A dark spell

Not blogged for a while.  This is a bad sign.

I entered a sort of dark period a few weeks ago.  Much the same way that I felt I was being called to the OLM, I had a similarly strong feeling telling me to get out.  I wasn't sure I was up to carrying out the role of an OLM, and I felt I was wasting everyone's time.  Coupled with a very busy period for myself anf Mrs G, and i felt I should try to get out.

The feeling has sort of passed.  It's still there in the background, and while I'm not ignoring it, I'm not worrying about it either.  I'm carrying on with the original position of throwing my everything into the enquiry process and getting something out of it.  If I'm accepted to go on to conference, fine.  If not, I'll find something else.  Thy Will Be Done etc.

It's a sort of confidence thing....

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I was writing this post when Mrs G told me of someone suggesting that OLM's were interfering with their call.  Suggesting perhaps that OLM's had a lesser call.

Up yours pal.


It's not your call, it's God's call and everyone he calls will do their part for His kingdom.  We won't be set against each other.  All the ministers I've spoken to have said they and their congregations would welcome an OLM helping them out and would support OLM's working in their parish.  OLM's are not "Diet Coke ministers" (one calorie, not quite the whole minister) and they will have to work hard to fit ministry alongside their working lives.  I'm not doing this because i want to, but because I think I'm being called to.

So I wish you well in your calling.  I hope to work with you in the future.

And thanks for your anti-OLM comments.  You've peeved me enough to throw myself into this, just out of principle.  Suddenly I'm feeling invigorated.

Would Jesus be welcome?

Racism sucks.

http://gawker.com/5863878/horrible-hicks-ban-interracial-couples-from-church

Short version.  Mixed race couple aren't allowed to marry in the church she has went to for years. Quote:

"Parties of such marriages will not be received as members, nor will they be used in worship services and other church functions, with the exception being funerals"

It gets better:

"This recommendation is not intended to judge the salvation of anyone, but is intended to promote greater unity among the church body and the community we serve"

Greater unity?

Permitting funerals probably means that the problem eventually goes away... This is the sort of balatant, backwards racism, where the choir should wear white robes with pointy hats, and the cross outside should be burning.  


Has anyone ever pointed out to these half-wits that all those biblical characters that you claim to love, were all from the Middle East?  We don't know what the cast of the Testaments looked like, but if you ignore medieval church art, there's little or no chance they were as white as this Gerbil's knees. 

If Jesus came knocking on the door, would you let him in?

So you want to work In Cheltenham

From the BBC today, GCHQ has laid down a challenge to codebreakers in order to raise its profile and attract new staff.  The website, http://www.canyoucrackit.co.uk/ invites you to break a code, in theory leading you on to another page  where you can apply for a job .


And then once you've got your head around all those numbers (is that hex I see before me?),  the lucky winner gets presented with this page...

Yes, that is a screenshot of the real page. I would have carried on with the application process, but I'm still trying to get my head around the Kirk enquiry process.  And while it's a nice place to visit, I'm not too sure I want to live in Cheltenham.  If GCHQ wants to get in touch, you already know where I work.  (Sorry chaps, I cheated.)

Things that I learned today...

GCHQ's enquiry process is harder that the C of S.

Q would probably frown on Bond using Google...

Don't make stuff up (part 2)

Back in this post I stated that I didn't like a reflection supposedly by Judas after his death, and in the presence of Jesus.  There was something about it I didn't like.  Hated it in fact. I Hated it so much that I had to buy the book to find out exactly why I hated it. 

The book in question is "Milestones" by Hilary Faith Jones, and the story is entitled "After".  It's written from the perspective of Judas, and explores his realisation that he's done something very bad, and is completely alone.  Abandoned and cut off from God.  As alone as anyone can possibly be - he betrayed God's son, so who can save him?

The story is well written, very reflective, and fitted in well with the service the other week.  But there was something made me feel very uncomfortable.  I'm not that keen on stuff being made up.  There's enough good tales in the Bible without us muddying the waters by trying to put words into the mouths of the main characters.

Last night I was at Hillside and also at Friarsgate at their advent services.  At Hillside, there was a couple of dialogues and reflections  that fitted in well with the service.  They were clearly made up, the Nazareth village gossips discussing Mary, for example, but they felt a bit more comfortable in the service.  It was at this point I realised what i didn't like about the Judas reading.  It was too real.


There is a theory in the field of robotics and animation called "Uncanny Valley" which holds that when human replicas look and act almost, but not perfectly, like actual human beings, it causes a response of revulsion among human observers.  And I think this describes my feelings towards"After."  It's too real, and that's what makes it uncomfortable.  We don't know what happened to Judas, or why he did what he did, but the characters in "After" are depicted in such a real way that their actions seem unnatural and uncomfortable, and revulsion was exactly what I felt.

So in a strange sort of doublethink, I actually like the book, and I like it for it's writing, but I can't stand the uncomfortable reality.

But isn't this all about facing some uncomfortable realities.

Nailing my Colours to the Mast.

Hello Mrs Gerbil

It's been one of those weeks. 

We've managed to arrange our diaries in such a way that we have barely seen each other this week.

I had stuff on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday night.  Mrs G had Sunday, Tuesday and Wednesday.  Also on the Wednesday I had to try applying to to uni.  Add onto that my day job which runs from 7am to 5pm with an hours commute each end and I'm puggled.  Mrs G and I seem to wave to each other in passing.  This isn't the norm, and I know it won't be like this forever, but in many ways, our time isn't really our own

So today I'm taking the day off, chilling out in St Andrews after taking Mrs G to uni , and generally switching off.  This weekend, the phone will be off and we're having a couple of days of self indulgence.

So, Mrs G, do you fancy a hot weekend of pizza and DVD's?  I think I've got room in my diary!

(Over)confidence

So as I drove to Hillside, to play my small part in the Remembrance Service,  there was a grumbling in the stomach and a strange unease.  Certainly an unfamiliar sensation.

After a short distance, the thought hit me. I don't believe it - I'm getting stage fright!  Me!  Overconfident, with an ego the size of a house and a brass neck to boot.  So I did the only thing you can do in those things.  Pray the Test Pilot's prayer*, throw the whole thing into God's hands and let him help.


And it seemed to work.

Smooth calm.  After that, everything else went well, with praise from the back row.

So don't get overconfident. And let God do the rest.

* Dear God. Don't let me mess this up. Amen.

Annoyed.

There are certain things I'm supposed to do.  Meeting B should follow shortly after meeting A, and at meeting B we decide when meeting C should take place.  This should be 3 weeks before meeting D.  The date of meeting D will be decided at meeting A.  Except in my case, meeting A hasn't taken place.  Meeting B has taken place, and a rough time for meeting C has been set, to allow time for meeting D to take place some time after.  I had to make apologies at meeting B for the fact that meeting A hadn't taken place, and that I would be in contact to confirm the date of meetings C and D just as soon as I know when that is.

Now today I was told that person X, without whom meetings A and D can't take place, hasn't yet been appointed by presbytery.  And if things go to plan, they won't be appointed until at least the 22nd.  22nd November is a Tuesday, but looking ahead at  my diary, the rest of that week is starting to fill up, so it will be the following week before anything can happen.  To her credit, Kathryn said she would try to move things along.  The point is that she shouldn't have to.  X is supposed to be someone that I can turn to for advice, but it is looking like I will be a fair way into the process before I know who they are.

At meeting A, I should make a plan, in association with X and Kathryn as to what I'm to get up to over the six months.  As it is, X is going to be presented with a list of things I've done, and some things I've got planned, in order that they can rubber stamp it. 

It's frustrating, and starts you thinking that if the process of becoming involved in ministry is so apparently without order, do I really want to be involved?  Is this some sort of test to see if you really are committed? 

PDI one

I had my first Personal Development Meeting this week.

It's been an odd week for PDI, as in the job that pays the bills, the topic of personal development has been recently discussed, and considered to be somewhat insignificant.  But I don't do work here.

So the other day I took the afternoon off and paid a visit to 121, my first time going beyond the double doors at reception.  It looks like an insurance office from 1930 that has been given a modern tweak.  Depite going into the meeting with one of those "what am I doing here?" feelings, mixed in with a dose of "you're wasting everyone's time again Spot." I think it went well, and I felt a lot better afterwards.

One thing that I took away was the question of "what is plan B?" or what happens should I not be accepted.   I don't really have a plan B.  I see this whole process as a chance to learn a bit more about myself, whether or not God wants me to go any further.  He's currently throwing a lot of opportunities in my direction, and I'm keen to try as many as practical that come along.  In six months time, if I get told No, then I'm going to be disappointed, and I'll certainly spend time self reflecting, but there's other things I can do, either falling back into my original church roles, or going off and soing something different.

And spending too much time thinking about plan B means that you can lose sight of plan A.  I'm happy enough knowing I'm not painting myself into a corner.

So that's why there's no plan B.  I don't see me as having a direction.  This is one big journey and I'm out to enjoy the ride.

Sorry God, I hate to bother you...

I'm not very good at spontaneous prayers.  I hate praying for myself, as while I'm sure God is pretty interested in what I'm up to, I'm sure he's awfully busy.  I don't like bothering him as I know he's got a lot on.

I'll pray for other people, but I'm happy enough taking what comes my way, so I'm not that keen on asking for help.  He's given me the skills I've needed in life so far, and if there's anything else I need, well, he created Google. 

One thing I need to get good at is prayers.  Need to put that on the paperwork as a thing to improve on.

So in order to save God a bit of time, and to let him focus on the people who really need a hand, I'm putting this out in the blogsphere.  I've been asked to do the prayer of approach at Hillside on Remembrance Sunday, and because it's the one thing I'm not very good at, I'm asking for help.  Comments are welcome on the following, and if you think it's any good, you are welcome to use it in whole or part.  While it's mostly original, I have taken a bit of guidance from Mrs G and others. 
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Eternal Father,

Please open our eyes so we can see your coming kingdom

Open our ears so we may hear your message

Open our minds that we gain a new understanding of your word

Open our hearts that your life empowering Spirit may flow through our bodies

You are great beyond our understanding, creating the beauty of the heavens and the earth, long before we came into existence.  You put fire into the stars, yet you gently breathed life into every one of us that we may glorify your name.

You gave us Jesus, your only son, and it is through him and his sacrifice on the cross that we are truly set free.  Through him we shall escape our burden of sin and be born again into newness of life.

So as we  gather here in your holy presence, remembering and commending to you those who have lived and died in times of conflict, lead our world to a time when Heaven and Earth shall meet and be as one.  Where there shall be no conflict, only love, and we shall behold in person your majesty.

  

And let us pray together the words that Jesus himself taught us...

Our Father, Who art in heaven,
Hallowed be Thy Name.
Thy Kingdom come.
Thy Will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil. Amen.

(The Lords Prayer will be the Hillside Kirk version.  I'm sure they forgive sin rather than trespasses)