Fifty Acts 2. Colleagues Communion

The presbytery had a retreat day.  Now I'm not so sure about this, as my idea of a retreat is someone in his hermitage (probably near Dunkeld) shunning modern life (insert your own cutting jibe about Dunkeld here) and contemplating the Works of God around him.  It was certainly nothing like 20 ministers sitting round with tea and biscuits.  But that's modern life for you. 

The retreat was lead by one of the west coast hospital chaplains.  Now here is someone who work at both ends of life, from the maternity ward to the hospice.  It sounds like a tough gig, especially for someone who hates hospitals and doesn't like the sight of blood. The chaplain admitted to these two failings that I would have thought would have been a barrier to his employment.  Mysterious ways etc. 

Here was someone who had a very practical approach to his theology, and genuinely brought comfort to those he met There's no place to debate the merits of infant vs believers baptism when the infant in question isn't going to last the morning. This is faith in action at the very front line, bringing Christ's comfort to those in need. 

Having spoken with another chaplain, he confided in me that baptism need not be conducted by an ordained minister/priest.  If the person is in mortal danger, as long as the baptism is in the name of The Father, Son and Holy Spirit, and is carried out with sincerity then the baptism is valid.  After this, what happened later in the day was a bit odd.  The chaplain lead us in Communion, but because he wasn't ordained to Word and Sacrament, one of the Ministers present had to do the breaking of bread.  Odd because, in the same way as Jesus taught his followers, the chaplain had been teaching us; odd because here was someone who carried out one of the sacraments of the Church of Scotland on a regular basis, but he wasn't allowed to the other one because nobody was dying.

But the Communion, as a celebration was invigorating.  It was the first time I have gathered with my colleagues and been part of the team, rather than a prospect with ambitions to join the gang. 

And there's hope for me yet.  I don't like hospitals.  I don't like blood.  Looks like I am chaplain material then.

The Fifty Acts of Worship

(Would fifty shades of worship have been too risque?)

The Challenge: To experience fifty acts of worship over the coming year. In as many different denominations and places, and with as many different people as possible.

I have no placement this year, and I really need to know what sort of a person I am.  Consider this a journey of self exploration.  I am helped by the fact that most of Scotland is within two hours drive from here, so most congregations and events are within range.

I'm going to meet people.  I'm going to have some great experiences.  I'm going to have some bad ones, but it's all about the adventure.

So once more I'm inviting you to come with me as I take the red pill and see how deep the rabbit hole goes.

Are you a member yet?

The Administrator of the Inchcolm Group has asked me to give the forum a bit of a plug.  The group was designed as a forum where ministry trainees, be they full time, Readers, Deacons, or OLM's from any of the universities could get together and share ideas.  It's a private forum, so only approved members can see what has been posted, so you can share any concerns you may have and hopefully get a few answers.

If you'd like to become a member, please join this up:  w w w (dot) inchcolmgroup (dot) net.* 

*(The Admin asked me to break the link up, to stop the spammers trying to get in!)

Theological humour

I'm on a mission.  I'm trying to fit in as many places and styles of worship over the coming year.  I may be visiting your church soon, or maybe I have been.  The body count so far is 3.Let's see if I can hit 50.

In todays sermon, the preacher used a variant of this joke to reflect Christ's mocking and resurection.

"Joe the Trucker was eating in a truck stop when three rough-looking bikers walked in. 

As they passed Joe, the first biker pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, then laughed and took a seat at the counter. The second biker picked up Joe's milk and spit into it. The third biker turned over Joe's plate before joining the others at the counter.

Without saying a word to the laughing bikers, Joe put his money down, got up, and left the diner. One of the bikers said to the waitress, "Not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his big rig over three motorcycles!"

 So I'm in my usual (for the moment) church position, in calm repose towards the rear of the premises.  The preacher started out by going large with the rough looking greasy biker part.  I am wearing my Sunday best, heavily armoured clothing and a crash helmet under my seat, with my chariot, six cylinders worth of finest Japanese aluminium slung between two Dunlops, slowly cooling in the car park. This juxtaposition is not lost on the lady sitting next to me who gave a knowing smile.  You meet the best people in the back row of a church.

So I've got a bit of a scriptural problem with Joe and the bikers.  If Joe is meant to be Jesus, then I''m OK with the comparison of suffering torment at the hands of your accusers.  But the preacher took the example a bit far by saying that Jesus had crushed Satan through his suffering, just like Joe crushed the bikes.

The thing is, as far as I see things, through his suffering, Jesus only saved us from Satan, he didn't crush him down.  He's still out there.  And Jesus didn't come back and take petty revenge on his tormentors.

When I left the church, and shook the preacher's hand, he said he hoped I wasn't offended.  No offence taken said I...

But I did drive my bike over his car...

Your Online Ministry

How do people find your church?  I don't mean find as in how do they rate your service.  I mean find as in how do they physically locate your church.

I've not got a placement this year, so I'm wanting a range of Christian experiences.  I'm wanting to see worship and fellowship and I want to see what makes us tick.  I'm trying to go to different congregations, and perhaps find myself along the way.  Much of my recent research has came from church websites.

Thesedays, if someone is new to an area, if they want to find a church, they will Google "church Edinburgh" and start trawling through the 60,000,000 entries that are thrown up.  This is where your church website comes in.  You may have a church newsletter that is sent to every member, but that's preachinig to the converted.  Your website exists not for those in the congregation (although it can be a great resource base for your congregation) but for those who are actively seeking a church.

Have a look at Letham St Marks Church in Perth. I've never been there*1, but their website has all the right things that make me want to visit.  The front page contains the contact details, including physical address, phone and email; the forthcoming service times, including events for the week ahead; and most importantly, central to the page is a statement of what they believe.  All this information is on the front page, visible to everyone as soon as they land on the site.  And the layout is simple, it's just one page, with no distracting animations or graphics.    You don't need a video stating your core values, just as long as it is stated clearly.

Every congregation should have a website. No exceptions.  It's probably more important than your listing in the phone book, and in the age of smartphones, even more likely to be looked at.  This blog is hosted by Blogger, a Google company and it's free to setup and use.  There's nothing to stop you setting up a blog to act as your church website, as long as you pay attention to my rules above about the content. I'm no expert, but when I wanted to set up a website recently, I asked Google "how to set up a website", and started reading how to guides.  Then you can see about registering your own domain like www.kirkcafe.blogspot.co.uk 

The most important thing is that your site is kept up to date.  One congregation that prides itself on its online presence had a website that stated services were at 11am, but nobody had changed their website to reflect the summer, 10.30 services.  It wasn't just the website though, the sign outside the kirk said 11.00 as well.  Glad I arrived early.  Your website should be adopted by your Session as an important part of your Christian outreach and should have someone designated to keep the site going.  Just one cautionary note however.  It must be clear that the website is the property of the congregation, so that if the site administrator becomes unwell, dies or falls out with the congregation, you are not left in a position where your site is unavailable or defaced. 

If we want to be a modern, thriving church, we need to drag ourselves kicking and screaming into the twentieth century.  Yes, I know we are now in the 21st, but one step at a time...

P.S. If you want general advice, please leave a comment.


*1 Edit.  Actually, I have now visited.  Nice folk and a decent cup of tea.

Musical Interlude

I'm holding out for the Doric version...

For Mrs Gerbil

When is the Right Time (Part one)

 Over the past few weeks I've had a couple of encounters with people who, independent of each other, told me that they wanted to be a Minister. (And what follows is an amalgam of these people)

He was sure that God was calling him to the Ministry, and this was where he wanted to be. He was really confident in expressing his call, and I am really sure that God has big plans for him. But then he went on to tell me of all his other plans, and that Ministry was something that he wanted to do at some point in the future.

In the Deacon Blue song, “Dignity”, the singer tells of the local road sweeper, “Bogie” who has plans for the future. He has been saving his money to buy a boat, to be called “Dignity.” I’ve always thought of this as a bit of a sad song, as the desire to buy the boat came over as a pipe dream. Something to talk about down the pub, but not something he will ever attain. A wish unfulfilled.

When I was talking with him, I noted that any time he referred to the Ministry, it was always in the terms of wanting. He wanted to be a Minister. I said that I might want to be Clark Gable*, but until I took action, then it was going to remain a dream. Whatever we want to do, it is never going to happen until we set the plans in motion. Taking affirmative action, by setting yourself a goal that is specific, measurable, achievable, and bound by a set timescale is the way ahead. Saying you want to do something is too passive, and your goals will keep slipping by. If it’s what you really want, then the time to act is now. And as God is calling you to the Ministry, then God will give you all the strengths you need.

This morning I thought again about "Dignity" and dreams unfulfilled. Then it occurred to me. Thinking again about the language of the song, he doesn’t just want to buy a boat, “He’s goin’ to buy a dinghy, and call her “Dignity”  Going to. Positive, affirmative language. So maybe he’s sailing out there after all.

You know who you are. Do it, you’ll be awesome.


*Yes, I said Clark Gable. I don’t know where it came from, and “frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn!”  Given the choice I'd be Humphrey Bogart

Pastoral Inspiration Through an Absent Gerbil

(This is not meant to sound all woe is me. I'm doing fine, honestly!)

So Mrs Gerbil is off in Highland Cathedral, and I have the house to myself.  Not a big problem, as I am relatively well house trained.  But most of my problems seem to come from the kitchen.

I am not a complete stranger to the kitchen, as I will claim the title of its designer and chief builder, but once I handed the keys over to Mrs G, it became her domain.  She is an outstanding cook, but I tend to get in the way, so I stand well back.  A quick visit at meal times to collect cutlery and set the table, then I retreat.  It's safer if I stay out of the Kitchen Work Triangle.

So now I've got to cook for  myself, and I've barely a clue where anything is.  I have a few recipes up my sleeve, but cooking is a slow process as I just don't have that rythm.  

My vegetarian friends will be pleased to know that I have, for the first time in my life, purchased a carrot.  I've even taken the chance to learn how to cook soup, and I have peeled the said carrot, chopped an onion and flung in some garlic.  Note the subtle difference between a bulb and a clove. Recipes tend to ask for a clove or two.  Not a whole bulb.  I've not seen a vampire in weeks.

And then there's the washing machine.  Now I'm not a stranger to it, but I had to look in the manual to find out exactly what constitutes a small load, when the timesaver function is useful (when you want to save time apparently) and how to prevent myself from setting the machine up on a four hour wash cycle.  By way of diversion, how many of the programmes on your machine do you actually use, or are you strictly a 40c Colourfast Cotton (Setting D) sort of person?

So it got me thinking about supporting those in our communities where a person suddenly finds themselves living on their own, for exmple through death, divorce or a long hospital stay.  Suddenly the person left behind has to pick up on those tasks that the other party.  I have spoken to one lady who doesn't have a bank account of her own.  That's what husbands are for.  And it's his car, so she has never encountered tax, insurance or MOT's. 

And what about the men where the kitchen is completely uncharted territory?  Where the wife has done all the washing and cooking.  I know of one man who came to work wearing a very shiny suit one day.  His wife had left him, and he had no idea how to press a suit.  By ironing it rather than pressing it with a wet cloth he had flattened all the fibres in the fabric giving it a sheen.  

It's just another thing to think about for future pastoral encounters. 

And besides, I'll never starve, as long as there's takeaway!

The Right Sort of People

I need to go meet the right sort of people.  By the right sort of people, I don't mean the "right" sort of people that every church seems to be full of.  No, by the right sort of people, I actually mean the sort of people that the "right" sort of people may consider to be the "wrong" sort of people.

Because if the "right" sort of people want to really be the right sort of people, then they need to seek out the "wrong" sort of people.  Only then can we be considered righteous, right?

In not quite so many words, I told a friend that they would do well to hang around with the wrong sort of people.  Apparently I'll be in trouble with their mother should this advice ever get back to her.  Ooops.

Luke 19:2-10 tells of Jesus visiting with a fraudulent tax collector.  The people grumbled about the company Jesus was keeping.  The reason Jesus was there wasn't so Jesus could take lessons in embezzlement, but rather so that Zacchaeus could be a changed man.

Because Jesus' message needs to go to all people, not just the selected few.

Right?