I'm not really wanting to blog right now. If the truth be known, I'm not really enjoying myself right now, for any number of reasons. Placement is fine. My supervisor is friendly, supportive, willing to push my boundaries, and has a pretty good knowledge of what is going on in his congregation, presbytery, denomination and the wider world. The congregation is a reasonably normal CofS crowd, with the expected mix of characters that you will find in any gathering of a few hundred adults.
But there's still a few things bothering me. Ministry now seems a long way off, and there seems to be a frightening amount of work to do before I get there. Reading the OLM training manual hasn't made it any easier as there is a lot in there. Then there is the paperwork, covenants to be agreed and goals to be set. Goals are a problem. In general, if you set a goal and don't achieve it, then that is a failure, but if you have a range of experience, but these don't relate to your goals, then can you still have success. what about just trying to have experience,knowing that everything ultimately is useful?
This week I was asked to take part in a funeral. right from the outset I was to have a speaking part on the day, and i was initially offered the tribute. I have never attempted to write a funeral tribute before, and only ever been present on one occasion when one was being created. It was eventually agreed that I would deliver a couple of readings and prayers during the service, and I would write the tribute.
The funeral was a parish funeral for someone who had a family that lived all over the country. It wasn't going to be a very big gathering at the crematorium. When Stephen and I visited the lady, I was grateful that her son had written some notes to become a tribute. All I had to do was convert the comprehensive notes into a format suitable for spoken delivery. The prayers actually included part of the order for baptism, about being born again into newness of life.
So for the past week I have been shitting myself. There are so many ways I could have got it wrong, and only a couple of ways to get things right. When I do a sermon, I can usually rely n there being a caring congregation that will laugh at the mistakes, and support me. I was a complete stranger to everyone in the room. Despite having Stephen doing most of the service, because he is the one that actually looks like a minister, I just couldn't get over the nerves. I know I gave a clear delivery, and the transition between the two of us went fine, I just couldn't get comfortable, and even after coming home, the tension just would not go away.
I really don't want to do any more funerals. I'm supposed to be bringing God's comfort to the family and friends of the deceased, yet it doesn't feel like I've done that. I suppose, like anything else, it might get better with practice, it's just that I'd rather not get the practice.
The art, I think, to feeling you've done 'a lovely funeral' is knowing that you've captured the essence of the person when speaking about them. That means using more than notes handed over (but I'm sure you know that).
ReplyDeleteRegardless of how much info is provided in that way, still take the time to listen to stories about the person. Use plenty of open questions and look for anecdotes. There's rarely an anecdote that is unsuitable (and I've even used ones that family have said, "You'll probably not want to use this, but there was one time they..." If that's who they are, tell that story). Good listening is the key, and learning to listen 'between the lines' helps you to tease out more information. Another wee trick is if you are in the person's home, ask about photos you can see, or maybe you'll spot a particular collection of ornaments, or a stack of novels, or magazines, or crafts. They all provide clues to the person, so ask about them.
Getting that sense of who they are through those stories makes it more 'real' than data on paper and I suspect that you'd feel more comfortable delivering a funeral service when you feel you know who you are taking about.
Go easy on yourself mate. Over time, you will get 'used' to doing this - and I don't mean this as in being blase or becoming complacent. [which you wouldn't anyway] That you care about the folks you are ministering to and, from that, wanting to get it right/ give of your best mean that you won't go too far wrong. And the minute you don't have that little edgy thing happening, well, I reckon that's the sign to walk away.
ReplyDeleteFind people/ create safe places and spaces where you can offload the grief of others you carry - so you're not carrying more and more and more; find out how the process of visiting with bereaved folk and conducting funerals affects you physically and emotionally ... e.g. me, I get a real physical tiredness, so I try to block a couple of hours after a funeral to go do something for me/ totally different.