I appreciate that not everyone has a church connection, but if you are here for the baptism of your friend's child, please sit down, switch your phone off and shut the frack up. Show a bit of respect, if only for the beliefs of your friend - at the very least because you are getting your lunch, plus probably a lot of beer out of them this afternoon.
Compliments to the child, however. The infant managed to throw up, loudly fart, follow through and start screaming just at the point that the family gathered round the font.
Child, welcome to the family of the church. You'll go far.
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