Complete and Utter Tat.

For those of you easily offended, please step away now. Go visit Mrs Gerbil. She has some nice pictures, and there's probably tea and cakes.

Are you sitting comfortably? No? Good, then I'll continue..

There is some complete and utter shit being sold in the name of the Lord!

It's true. And you've all seen it. It looks like the marketing people have sat down and realised that they can sell plastic tat for a premium if they prefix it with the word Christian. £15 for a cover for my Ipod, bearing an appropriately themed message? I don't think so! Baseball caps with similar messages for £20? Get real! And while Footprints is a nice allegorical tale, there are countless ways of displaying this around your house, from plates and mugs, to wall hangings and the obligatory tea towel. Just like the sand I'm supposed to be walking on, it was nice enough to look at, but after fighting my way through a mass of it, it's everywhere and irritating.

And do you really think people are going to come over to the good side if they see me drinking my tea from a icthus clad mug?

And you have to ask yourself, where exactly is the money going? A few years ago, The Gerbil Church got together with a leprosy centre and we sold some of their products. We knew that all the money was going straight back to a Christian community, for the benefit of the residents. I have often got the feeling from looking at stock in shops and online that it's mass produced in a far eastern sweatshop, by an overworked and underpaid staff. WWJD? He probably wouldn't wear overpriced clothing asking WWID? And he'd probably overturn a few tables in the process.

The second most creepy piece of church tat I have seen was brought back from Rome by my uncle and given to my Gran. It was one of those 3d pictures where it looked like the eyes of the subject were following you around the room. When the subject in question is a long haired white guy that is supposed to be a crucified Jesus (my church art rant follows soon) then it's really creepy. Especially when it's hung between the living room and the loo and it's watching you climb the stairs. Oh, and you're about 10 at the time. Apparently there were loads of these on sale, and you could pick your own Jesus. Apparently there were Jesus in every race and colour. Equality in tat is to be admired.

But the creepiest bit of church tat goes to this candidate...


Someone handed this into the church, and it's been sitting behind the curtains in the office ever since. It's as if nobody can bear to throw Jesus out, even if he is badly cast in plastic. I tend to prefer my crosses empty, reflecting the risen Christ, but I suppose lent is as good a time as any to remember his suffering.

I just look at this and think "why did someone ever buy this crud?" I could go on and on about the poor casting, the lousy workmanship, and the fact that two of the nails have fallen out, leaving Jesus being crucified by Blu-Tack... Oh, I give up. Would the last person with any taste and decency left please switch out the lights...


OK, OK, please switch them back on again! Yes, darkness reveals that it is a luminous Jesus. I'm having nightmares already!

Please, don't buy crud. It's a poor use of finite resources. And I really won't thank you.