The Gerbil Burrow

Is there a Doctor in the House?

2012-01-30T19:17:00.000Z

No, not a chaplaincy visit. Mrs Gerbil does Doctor Who!

Chaplaincy visit

2012-01-26T12:35:00.000Z

(source BBC)

(This is one of those posts where confidentiality reigns over the needs of a journal)

The other week I met up with a couple of our local hospital chaplains. Now I'm not exactly the biggest fan of hospitals, hate needles, blood or anything even remotely medical and I hide under a cushion when there's anything gory happening. So I had been putting off the whole visiting a hospital thing. Yes, I know I'm not there for me, yes, I know I'm there for the people, and yes I know I'm just expressing a bit of God's love to those I'm visiting. I know. I just don't particularly like it.

I'm a big feckin' jessie.

The chaplains that I met were great. Very easy people to talk to, and from walking around, they are liked by patients and the staff. And while they come from a variety of faith backgrounds, they work together to share the love. Something we are often not too great at doing outwith the hospitals.

I'm thinking that if I'm going forwards, I should consider some sort of chaplaincy placement.

Censorship kills the web

2012-01-19T09:50:00.000Z

Piracy is bad. Censorship is worse. Keep the web free.

Blog Closed

2012-01-18T00:02:00.000Z

For the next 24 hours, the Gerbil Burrow will be closed in support of the Wikipedia/SOPA blackout.

Brass balls

2012-01-02T00:45:00.000Z

Clearing landmines. Equipment requirements:

A stick.
A pocket knife.
A well pressed shirt.

Now, would you please put your toys away when you finish playing with them.

A dark spell

2011-12-21T12:43:00.000Z

Not blogged for a while. This is a bad sign.

I entered a sort of dark period a few weeks ago. Much the same way that I felt I was being called to the OLM, I had a similarly strong feeling telling me to get out. I wasn't sure I was up to carrying out the role of an OLM, and I felt I was wasting everyone's time. Coupled with a very busy period for myself anf Mrs G, and i felt I should try to get out.

The feeling has sort of passed. It's still there in the background, and while I'm not ignoring it, I'm not worrying about it either. I'm carrying on with the original position of throwing my everything into the enquiry process and getting something out of it. If I'm accepted to go on to conference, fine. If not, I'll find something else. Thy Will Be Done etc.

It's a sort of confidence thing....

************************************************************

I was writing this post when Mrs G told me of someone suggesting that OLM's were interfering with their call. Suggesting perhaps that OLM's had a lesser call.

Up yours pal.

It's not your call, it's God's call and everyone he calls will do their part for His kingdom. We won't be set against each other. All the ministers I've spoken to have said they and their congregations would welcome an OLM helping them out and would support OLM's working in their parish. OLM's are not "Diet Coke ministers" (one calorie, not quite the whole minister) and they will have to work hard to fit ministry alongside their working lives. I'm not doing this because i want to, but because I think I'm being called to.

So I wish you well in your calling. I hope to work with you in the future.

And thanks for your anti-OLM comments. You've peeved me enough to throw myself into this, just out of principle. Suddenly I'm feeling invigorated.

Would Jesus be welcome?

2011-12-02T09:54:00.001Z

Racism sucks.

http://gawker.com/5863878/horrible-hicks-ban-interracial-couples-from-church

Short version. Mixed race couple aren't allowed to marry in the church she has went to for years. Quote:

"Parties of such marriages will not be received as members, nor will they be used in worship services and other church functions, with the exception being funerals"

It gets better:

"This recommendation is not intended to judge the salvation of anyone, but is intended to promote greater unity among the church body and the community we serve"

Greater unity?

Permitting funerals probably means that the problem eventually goes away... This is the sort of balatant, backwards racism, where the choir should wear white robes with pointy hats, and the cross outside should be burning.

Has anyone ever pointed out to these half-wits that all those biblical characters that you claim to love, were all from the Middle East? We don't know what the cast of the Testaments looked like, but if you ignore medieval church art, there's little or no chance they were as white as this Gerbil's knees.

If Jesus came knocking on the door, would you let him in?

So you want to work In Cheltenham

2011-12-02T00:30:00.001Z

From the BBC today, GCHQ has laid down a challenge to codebreakers in order to raise its profile and attract new staff. The website, http://www.canyoucrackit.co.uk/ invites you to break a code, in theory leading you on to another page where you can apply for a job .

And then once you've got your head around all those numbers (is that hex I see before me?), the lucky winner gets presented with this page...

Yes, that is a screenshot of the real page. I would have carried on with the application process, but I'm still trying to get my head around the Kirk enquiry process. And while it's a nice place to visit, I'm not too sure I want to live in Cheltenham. If GCHQ wants to get in touch, you already know where I work. (Sorry chaps, I cheated.)

Things that I learned today...

GCHQ's enquiry process is harder that the C of S.

Q would probably frown on Bond using Google...

Don't make stuff up (part 2)

2011-11-28T12:52:00.001Z

Back in this post I stated that I didn't like a reflection supposedly by Judas after his death, and in the presence of Jesus. There was something about it I didn't like. Hated it in fact. I Hated it so much that I had to buy the book to find out exactly why I hated it.

The book in question is "Milestones" by Hilary Faith Jones, and the story is entitled "After". It's written from the perspective of Judas, and explores his realisation that he's done something very bad, and is completely alone. Abandoned and cut off from God. As alone as anyone can possibly be - he betrayed God's son, so who can save him?

The story is well written, very reflective, and fitted in well with the service the other week. But there was something made me feel very uncomfortable. I'm not that keen on stuff being made up. There's enough good tales in the Bible without us muddying the waters by trying to put words into the mouths of the main characters.

Last night I was at Hillside and also at Friarsgate at their advent services. At Hillside, there was a couple of dialogues and reflections that fitted in well with the service. They were clearly made up, the Nazareth village gossips discussing Mary, for example, but they felt a bit more comfortable in the service. It was at this point I realised what i didn't like about the Judas reading. It was too real.

There is a theory in the field of robotics and animation called "Uncanny Valley" which holds that when human replicas look and act almost, but not perfectly, like actual human beings, it causes a response of revulsion among human observers. And I think this describes my feelings towards"After." It's too real, and that's what makes it uncomfortable. We don't know what happened to Judas, or why he did what he did, but the characters in "After" are depicted in such a real way that their actions seem unnatural and uncomfortable, and revulsion was exactly what I felt.

So in a strange sort of doublethink, I actually like the book, and I like it for it's writing, but I can't stand the uncomfortable reality.

But isn't this all about facing some uncomfortable realities.

Nailing my Colours to the Mast.

2011-11-25T22:45:00.000Z

Hello Mrs Gerbil

2011-11-18T09:49:00.000Z

It's been one of those weeks.

We've managed to arrange our diaries in such a way that we have barely seen each other this week.

I had stuff on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday night. Mrs G had Sunday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Also on the Wednesday I had to try applying to to uni. Add onto that my day job which runs from 7am to 5pm with an hours commute each end and I'm puggled. Mrs G and I seem to wave to each other in passing. This isn't the norm, and I know it won't be like this forever, but in many ways, our time isn't really our own

So today I'm taking the day off, chilling out in St Andrews after taking Mrs G to uni , and generally switching off. This weekend, the phone will be off and we're having a couple of days of self indulgence.

So, Mrs G, do you fancy a hot weekend of pizza and DVD's? I think I've got room in my diary!

(Over)confidence

2011-11-13T18:21:00.000Z

So as I drove to Hillside, to play my small part in the Remembrance Service, there was a grumbling in the stomach and a strange unease. Certainly an unfamiliar sensation.

After a short distance, the thought hit me. I don't believe it - I'm getting stage fright! Me! Overconfident, with an ego the size of a house and a brass neck to boot. So I did the only thing you can do in those things. Pray the Test Pilot's prayer*, throw the whole thing into God's hands and let him help.

And it seemed to work.

Smooth calm. After that, everything else went well, with praise from the back row.

So don't get overconfident. And let God do the rest.

* Dear God. Don't let me mess this up. Amen.

Annoyed.

2011-11-06T22:36:00.000Z

There are certain things I'm supposed to do. Meeting B should follow shortly after meeting A, and at meeting B we decide when meeting C should take place. This should be 3 weeks before meeting D. The date of meeting D will be decided at meeting A. Except in my case, meeting A hasn't taken place. Meeting B has taken place, and a rough time for meeting C has been set, to allow time for meeting D to take place some time after. I had to make apologies at meeting B for the fact that meeting A hadn't taken place, and that I would be in contact to confirm the date of meetings C and D just as soon as I know when that is.

Now today I was told that person X, without whom meetings A and D can't take place, hasn't yet been appointed by presbytery. And if things go to plan, they won't be appointed until at least the 22nd. 22nd November is a Tuesday, but looking ahead at my diary, the rest of that week is starting to fill up, so it will be the following week before anything can happen. To her credit, Kathryn said she would try to move things along. The point is that she shouldn't have to. X is supposed to be someone that I can turn to for advice, but it is looking like I will be a fair way into the process before I know who they are.

At meeting A, I should make a plan, in association with X and Kathryn as to what I'm to get up to over the six months. As it is, X is going to be presented with a list of things I've done, and some things I've got planned, in order that they can rubber stamp it.

It's frustrating, and starts you thinking that if the process of becoming involved in ministry is so apparently without order, do I really want to be involved? Is this some sort of test to see if you really are committed?

PDI one

2011-11-04T23:19:00.000Z

I had my first Personal Development Meeting this week.

It's been an odd week for PDI, as in the job that pays the bills, the topic of personal development has been recently discussed, and considered to be somewhat insignificant. But I don't do work here.

So the other day I took the afternoon off and paid a visit to 121, my first time going beyond the double doors at reception. It looks like an insurance office from 1930 that has been given a modern tweak. Depite going into the meeting with one of those "what am I doing here?" feelings, mixed in with a dose of "you're wasting everyone's time again Spot." I think it went well, and I felt a lot better afterwards.

One thing that I took away was the question of "what is plan B?" or what happens should I not be accepted. I don't really have a plan B. I see this whole process as a chance to learn a bit more about myself, whether or not God wants me to go any further. He's currently throwing a lot of opportunities in my direction, and I'm keen to try as many as practical that come along. In six months time, if I get told No, then I'm going to be disappointed, and I'll certainly spend time self reflecting, but there's other things I can do, either falling back into my original church roles, or going off and soing something different.

And spending too much time thinking about plan B means that you can lose sight of plan A. I'm happy enough knowing I'm not painting myself into a corner.

So that's why there's no plan B. I don't see me as having a direction. This is one big journey and I'm out to enjoy the ride.

Sorry God, I hate to bother you...

2011-11-01T20:00:00.000Z

I'm not very good at spontaneous prayers. I hate praying for myself, as while I'm sure God is pretty interested in what I'm up to, I'm sure he's awfully busy. I don't like bothering him as I know he's got a lot on.

I'll pray for other people, but I'm happy enough taking what comes my way, so I'm not that keen on asking for help. He's given me the skills I've needed in life so far, and if there's anything else I need, well, he created Google.

One thing I need to get good at is prayers. Need to put that on the paperwork as a thing to improve on.

So in order to save God a bit of time, and to let him focus on the people who really need a hand, I'm putting this out in the blogsphere. I've been asked to do the prayer of approach at Hillside on Remembrance Sunday, and because it's the one thing I'm not very good at, I'm asking for help. Comments are welcome on the following, and if you think it's any good, you are welcome to use it in whole or part. While it's mostly original, I have taken a bit of guidance from Mrs G and others.
************************************************

Eternal Father,

Please open our eyes so we can see your coming kingdom

Open our ears so we may hear your message

Open our minds that we gain a new understanding of your word

Open our hearts that your life empowering Spirit may flow through our bodies

You are great beyond our understanding, creating the beauty of the heavens and the earth, long before we came into existence. You put fire into the stars, yet you gently breathed life into every one of us that we may glorify your name.

You gave us Jesus, your only son, and it is through him and his sacrifice on the cross that we are truly set free. Through him we shall escape our burden of sin and be born again into newness of life.

So as we gather here in your holy presence, remembering and commending to you those who have lived and died in times of conflict, lead our world to a time when Heaven and Earth shall meet and be as one. Where there shall be no conflict, only love, and we shall behold in person your majesty.

And let us pray together the words that Jesus himself taught us...

Our Father, Who art in heaven,
Hallowed be Thy Name.
Thy Kingdom come.
Thy Will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil. Amen.

(The Lords Prayer will be the Hillside Kirk version. I'm sure they forgive sin rather than trespasses)

Jimmy Savile.

2011-10-29T17:53:00.000+01:00

Sorry to hear today that Sir Jimmy Savile is no longer with us. He was a complex character, but did an awful lot of good, both with grand public gestures, and very private acts. He certainly used hos talents wisely.

Imagine having a TV role model that had a cigar habit on a children's TV show? We're not going to see that again.

Who will fix it for us now?

Well if you're looking for me, I'm taking a cub pack on a roller-coaster.

Save me from the Internets.

2011-10-27T21:36:00.000+01:00

I'm saying nothing.

Readings

2011-10-24T21:46:00.000+01:00

Sunday was my first speaking part at Hillside Kirk. The new testament reading.

I've done readings in church before, but this was a bit more real. While I feel that I'm among friends at Hillside, it's not the same group of people that I've known for the past 8 years at my home kirk. Having seen my attempts at the projector, Home Kirk is used to me making a hash of things.

So it went good enough. Things to note...

While it may be easier printing the reading out beforehand, and it's great to recycle, I had used the back of the Official Secrets Act as printing paper.

Make sure you know whether it's you, the minister, or someone else that introduces the reading.

But you spoke clearly and slowly, pausing for

emphasis where required. The important thing was that Beverley was up the back, and she heard every word.

If you are to speak with authority, make sure they can hear you.

Busy weekend. Part 3

2011-10-19T18:00:00.000+01:00

And then came Sunday.

Through a roundabout way, I was told that we had someone in tears after the Student Feed.

She had been refused admission to cafes in the local area because she may have looked a bit undesireable. And then she met us.

Like the complete shower of [nasty people] we are, we gave her soup and bread. And that was it.

She can't have been that distinctive, as, based on the description I was given, nobody remembers her.

She must have been expecting some reaction, but we made her happy by not treating her like shit.

So we made her cry.

I hope she'll be back. And next time...

We'll probably give her soup.

Busy Weekend. Part 2

2011-10-18T23:34:00.000+01:00

Mrs G mentioned it already but when you get a chance for parking in St Andrews, you've just got to take advantage of it. We had driven to St Andrews on the bike, and when we arrived, there were a group of Honda Goldwings parked up, and their owners were rattling a tin for Cancer Research. They waved me over and asked me to add my 'wing to their display. Unfortunately, I believe that muck adds a few mph at the top end, so I'm reluctant to chip the muck off for anyone. So there I was parked alongside some stunning examples of the art of custom motorcycle building, with a bike that was so filthy, the grand-daughter of one of the bikers told me to wash my bike before taking it out again. That's me told then...

All the kids liked my bike though. Probably something to do with the box of sweets on the back.

The Goldwing Misfits are a really great bunch of folk that enjoy their bikes, and use their time, talents and resources to help out other folk. And they were having a whole load of fun at the same time. Something everyone should consider.

Silence

2011-10-18T09:45:00.002+01:00

Could you get away with a completely silent sermon? Perhaps an introductory thought, a closing prayer, and in the middle,

nothing.

Perfect reflective calm.

How long before everyone got bored?

Could it last ten minutes?

Twenty?

Perhaps this is something better suited to a smaller group.

I'll save this for a week when the sermon is lacking in the word count...

Productive, part one.

2011-10-17T22:38:00.000+01:00

A busy weekend. Loads going on.

Hillside Kirk had its prayer breakfast, at the unholy hour of 9am on Saturday. Now despite us all sitting in the same hall that us used for the serving of tea and coffee on a Sunday, it was more relaxed. I took a seat off in the corner so I could work out the groups and social norms at this occasion, and it was clear that some people took seats closer to the serving hatch than others. On my side of the room, most people had something to eat before they came out, so perhaps the serving hatch group did not have this foresight.

I was glad to have a seat next to Beverley. Beverley welcomes everyone on a Sunday, and always looks out for the older folks, despite her being a few years past 21 herself. Every kirk needs a Beverley, and I was glad to have a few moments of pleasant blether. I'd also managed to have a blether with someone who told me about the bike he ownedjust after the war. Bikers sort of gather together.

So after an exceptional breakfast, we had a session of prayers, minister led, but with spontaneous input from others present. It was nice just to have a period of reflective calm, as it's something we just don't do that often.

I've not had any involvement in many acts of worship away from the church setting. In this group, the prayers felt a part of the morning, not just something tacked on after a bacon roll. I'm aware that this will not work everywhere, but it was obviously popular at Hillside.

I'm now official.

2011-10-13T22:37:00.000+01:00

This evening I had a meeting with Kathryn, the minister at Hillside Kirk as I'm at the end of my extended enquiry. After a short pause to find the correct form (must organise paperwork), and subject to 121 doing their bit, I'm now officially taking part in a Coordinated Field Assessment, looking to follow the path of the Ordained Local Ministry

I'm aware that I've had a lot of support, from Mrs G, Kathryn, everyone at Hillside, and all the folks that I've asked for advice over the past couple of months. So I'd be letting them down if I didn't give this my all. And I genuinely believe that God is steering me along and giving me opportunities, so I don't want to let him down. I really think there is a minister shaped hole out there waiting for me to fill it.

Actually, I'm rather looking forward to being a bit more involved in things at Hillside, and I'll be taking careful notes. It's all an adventure.

Cafe entry removed

2011-10-10T20:15:00.000+01:00

One cafe I used to frequent has stopped serving fair trade tea and coffee. Fine, but you aren't getting a link from this blog any more.

If you are making £8,000 surplus per year from your volunteer staffed cafe, then you can afford a fair trade teabag.

Don't screw the tea and coffee growers.

Or me.

Post will be reinstated when ethics becomes the norm.

Don't make stuff up (part one)

2011-10-09T22:41:00.000+01:00

The worship group had command of the vessel today, and they did a very good job. It's good to be in a church where everyone can be a part of the worship should the so desire. They had an obvious theme, they stick to it, and in all, the whole thing went well. So hats off to them for getting up there and doing their stuff.

The one bit I didn't like (and this is nothing against the worship group) was a tale told from the perspective of Judas after Judas has killed himself. Victor Kiam said of Remington, he liked it so much, he bought the company. I disliked this tale so much, I bought the book it came from. So once the book arrives, I'll re-read it and write about why I disliked it.

I just think Judas gets a bit of a bad press...

Steve Jobs.

2011-10-07T08:18:00.000+01:00

A fitting obituary from The Onion

"CUPERTINO, CA—Steve Jobs, the visionary co-founder of Apple Computers and the only American in the country who had any clue what the f*** he was doing, died Wednesday at the age of 56. "We haven't just lost a great innovator, leader, and businessman, we've literally lost the only person in this country who actually had his shit together and knew what the hell was going on," a statement from President Barack Obama read in part, adding that Jobs will be remembered both for the life-changing products he created and for the fact that he was able to sit down, think clearly, and execute his ideas—attributes he shared with no other U.S. citizen. "This is a dark time for our country, because the reality is none of the 300 million or so Americans who remain can actually get anything done or make things happen. Those days are over." Obama added that if anyone could fill the void left by Jobs it would probably be himself, but said that at this point he honestly doesn’t have the slightest notion what he’s doing anymore." (source)

However, even The Onion couldn't be this ironic...

Source

Expheckinscuseme?

2011-10-03T09:18:00.000+01:00

After a pleasant morning at Hillside Kirk, I went round to met someone at another parish. Inside, there was a group of people wrapping shoe boxes in Christmas paper for Samaritans Purse. Having some time on my hands, I got myself a cup of tea and went over to help wrap boxes.

I was sitting on the floor making a mess out of box, paper and tape when Cynthia, one of the church office bearers came over. I know this person in passing, but not that well. She was floating around, overseeing everything that was going on, but not actually taking part. She saw me, came over and perched herself on a table above me. After an exchange of pleasantries “Hi Spot, how’s the bike?” (Thanks, I’m) “Fine, how are you doing” she said “This is where I like my men. At my feet…”

WTF?

You don’t really know me. Stop passing out catty, sexist insults, grab a box and some paper and either become part of the solution, or remain in the way.

So at what point is it appropriate for me to ask “Do you know where I like my women? Take this cup to the kitchen and find out in person”

Love Thy Organist

2011-09-25T19:03:00.000+01:00

One thing about going to a new church is the different styles of music. Every organist and praise band has their own take on the hymns, and variety is good for the soul.

Today we had "Shine, Jesus Shine" and while it was expertly played by the organist, it was slightly faster than I'm used to. But it was nowhere near as fast as I've experienced it...

Not so very long ago I was in a church where the organist was allowed to let rip. After playing his way through the first couple of hymns at a sedate genteel pace, along came the final hymn, "Shine Jesus Shine."

The organist, probably as old as the instrument he was playing, got up from his perch at the corner of the church, and approached the Clavinova. Somewhere in the distance there was a slowly increasing whine followed by a deep rumble. In the aftermath we realised he had cast off his piston engine and was spooling up his turbine...

With a nod from "Minister Traffic Control" he was cleared to taxi and demonstrated the first verse at a smooth pace. He entered the runway of the first intro, and had we been sitting down, the G forces would have pushed us gently down into our pews. 140 knots, V1, rotate, gear up and we are climbing into the first verse. The organist is still in organ mode but he will soon shake that off.

Entering the first chorus, he is fully in control of his instrument. Remembering that the symbol on the side of a Yamaha motorbike is three crossed tuning forks (it's true!) he speeds things up a gear. The congregation is ready for him, and as they hold on to the pew in front for comfort, and while one person in the third row fastens his helmet, we charge straight in to the second verse. There is a noticeable surge in speed as the organist ignites his afterburners. I begin to realise that this is an organ Maverick, and he has just requested permission to buzz the tower. And it doesn't matter if permission is refused, he's on a mission.

Some brave souls fight on. Reports from the village swear there was a sonic boom as we entered the second chorus. The organist is possessed by all the demons mentioned in the New Testament, a few from the Old and one or two that got a mention in an Anne Rice novel. We manage to hold it together for the third verse, but then things get serious.

The church starts to blur, then as every fuse in the village blows, and passes all the power to the Clavinova, all the lights start streaking past us and we realise that not only has the organist reached the final chorus, but he has also reached warp factor one. Now only the strongest are remaining. The praise band look on in awe as his fingers fly over the keys, only a blur showing below his elbow. Finally, he reaches the big finish. With a flourish that will go down in history, he strikes the final chord, and as the note sustains in the air, the congregation is showered by broken glass from the windows he has blown out. Three members of the choir are in tears, the Session Clerk has passed out, and the Minister who was standing just a little too close has lost his eyebrows. Smoke is coming from the Clavinova.

Look after your organist. They do what they do for the Lord. Support them, and occasionally, you've got to let them rip.

And then have a retiral collection to pay for the damage...

For Mrs Gerbil

2011-09-23T22:48:00.000+01:00

Who will be demonstrating this feat before the end of her first placement...

School Assembly

2011-09-21T16:52:00.000+01:00

I've not been to school for the better part of two decades. Today I sat back and witnessed my first school assembly for a long time.

It was brief, forming part of the morning registration, and I was informed in advance that five minutes was all you got. After a short welcome by the assistant head, the minister was introduced. From my seat I was able to watch the reaction of the assembled third year audience. As soon as my Local Assessor, Kathryn, (and she was introduced as Kathryn, not Mrs X or Rev Y) took to the floor, there was a subtle change. All eyes were to the front, and everyone was focusing on her message. While everyone had given due respect to the head, Kathryn had their undivided attention. Many of those present she will have known from primary school, so she seems to have earned a trust and respect from her flock.

Afterwards I was at the local school chaplains meeting. I knew half of those present, but it was a priveledge to hear about the work they are doing in schools. These ranged from small village primary schools to large town secondary schools. I heard about the types of project they were involved in, topics they had been asked to speak on (Embryology???) and the challenges they encountered. One of the ministers asked for my impressions. I told him that the thing I picked up was that they weren't just chaplains to the class, they were also a workplace chaplain. I was aware they had assisted staff with problems outside work, but also shared in the good times, by being invited to family events. A school chaplain is chaplain to the school, not just the pupils.

This whole ministry thing is a much bigger role than the job description would suggest.

To crown a pretty good day, at the Student Feed I was introduced to a baptist minister from Cameroon and we had a great old blether.

Alpha for a Fiver? Get real.

2011-09-17T19:51:00.006+01:00

I did an Alpha course a few years ago. Having seen it advertised at a number of churches, I was curious about the course. My experience of how Alpha works is there is a meal at the start, a video or presentation, followed by a break into groups.

And it's free.

Based on pressure from the course attendees, a discreet bowl was placed so that those who wanted to contribute could. But there was absolutely no obligation to pay.

Today I was walking past a church and there was a sign outside inviting you to the introductory evening for their next Alpha course. After a meal, a well known local businessman would explain how his faith affects his life and business. Looks pretty interesting. Then the poster mentions "Important Stuff" Date, Location and the price, £5 per ticket.

A fiver?

Please tell me you are extracting the urine.

Only in tiny print at the bottom of the poster does it mention the Alpha classes are free.

I'm aware there's a cost to everything these days, but God's love is for everybody, not just those that can spare a fiver. A fiver is about 10% of the weekly income of someone receiving carers allowance. Your church is very near to the local college, and the town isn't the most affluent in the UK. Are you taking your divine inspiration from Field of Dreams? Do you really think that "If you bill them, they will come"?*1 Leave a discreet bowl for offerings, and those who can will, and through God, those who can't will repay you in kind a hundred times over.

You've just put up a poster that will keep away a lot of God's target audience. He wants the poor, and a fiver is a lot of cash. Unless it's a middle class social club you are trying to set up. If that's the case, enjoy your wine and canapés.

*1 OK, it's actually "if you build it, he will come." You already know that "if you bill them, they will come" is from somewhere completely different.

On Hebrews 13:2

2011-09-14T22:44:00.004+01:00

It was the first day back at the student feed today. Every Wednesday, students are invited into the church for soup, bread and juice.

That's it.

No bible bashing.

No long, loud, rambling prayers.

No hymns.

Just soup.

Two flavours, lentil and tomato.

With the possibility of second helpings if you ask. In fact, nobody really bats an eye if you dip your Gregs sausage roll in the soup. Nobody stops you bringing your own food. Someone asked if there was a bowl for tips for the staff. We thanked him, but, no, there isn't, because it's not about the money, it's about the soup. Had this been an ordinary church event, someone would have laid out a saucer and there would have been the occasional tinkle as a few coins were placed, but we don't want to put people under pressure. Besides the support from the congregation, someone keeps donating money to keep the soup flowing, but we don't know who they are. And a group of students had a meeting, passed a hat afterwards and gave a donation for which we are exceptionally grateful.

We don't even ask to see student ID, and we know that some of our guests aren't students

For the people who were new this year, especially those without a church background, some will have walked away asking "where's the catch?" And thinking that the hard sell will come next week. It won't. Next week there will be soup. The lentil will remain, but the other will be at the chef's discretion.

Before lunchtime, I walked over the road to the college and handed out flyers. Some familiar faces from last term helped explain that it's good, and that there really is such a thing as a free lunch. I went over to the smoking area, handed out a few flyers where one student thanked me, while the girl that was standing with him took a completely different reaction.

She stated very forcefully how she hated church and wouldn't be coming over, before storming off.

Had a cartoonist drawn the situation, the first student and I would have been drawn standing there with a thought bubble rising above us, containing the three letters, "WTF?" He was exceptionally apologetic, and told me that he was a cage fighter in his spare time, and of all the people, he would have expected that he was the one that should have had unexplained fits of rage. And he'd never do that to a complete stranger, especially someone giving out gifts. I told him that no apology is required, it wasn't his fault, and that he and his friend are still welcome.

Today I looked like a student. Jeans, denim jacket. In fact, I wouldn't have looked out of place at a Status Quo concert either. I certainly wasn't going there waving my bible and telling the sinners to repent. I've got to realise that mentioning even the most passing association with church can provoke anything from the cold shoulder all the way up to a hostile reaction. The further down this path I go, the way in which people speak to me will change. Church has a lot of baggage attached to it. Why would anyone want to get involved in an organisation that tells people they are all going to hell. How can I convince you that it's not true?

The hidden catch of the student feed is that you are coming into our odd looking building and realising that we are not a complete shower of bastards. We like people. We want to share, and to let you know that there is always a welcome for you, be it on a Wednesday, or through the rest of the week.

If you want to find out about the God thing, ask us. I'm sure we could give you a quick lesson, and if the five staff don't have the answer, I'm sure the minister was around somewhere.

You're all angels. Now enjoy your soup.

Japanese Swordsmanship.

2011-09-13T23:24:00.000+01:00

When the zombies rise up, I want this guy on my side...

I know. You used to play rounders when you were in the Brownies and you think you could hit the baseball with the sword. How about we shrink the ball a little...

Do you still think you could hit the ball? If you'll excuse me, I'm going to watch The Seven Samurai.

P.S. Did you know that they are making a remake? Hasn't anyone told the producers that there's already been one? But you know that, don't you...?

Trust me...

2011-09-12T22:47:00.001+01:00

For the benefit of Mrs G. How a trailer should be made. Lots of the good stuff, without revealing the plot.

After all, we can't have spoilers...

Day One

2011-09-11T17:29:00.000+01:00

Day one, and no, I'm not starting at "in the beginning..." again. Today was my first day at my placement church for the Extended Enquiry. Mrs Gerbil, currently in a state of ecclesiastical limbo, came with me to Hillside Kirk.

We've got standards when it comes to church. There must be a welcome at the door - a welcome, not just a purple book thrust at you. And there should be a cup of tea afterwards. Tea, a full cup of dark brown hot liquid, not the third full cup of lukewarm wee that the CofS seems to serve. Please folks, remember that the tea leaf was lovingly hand picked in some far flung corner of the empire, and carefully shipped here for your delight. At least make that tea leaf feel like it's had a worthy death. Digressing here. Fortunately they ticked both boxes. People were genuinely welcoming, not just at the door, but throughout. And the tea was just right.

I wasn't formally introduced to the congregation. It was nice just to be able to sit back and enjoy the service without a lot of fuss being made.

There's a few things I have noted to discuss with my supervisor when we meet properly this week.

I'll be at Hillside Kirk for a few months, so I'm looking forward to becoming part of their community, whatever God has got planned for me.

Bramble (Blackberry) Wine.

2011-09-07T22:46:00.000+01:00

I suppose there's a point, before you get started with your call that you get moved to make an awful lot of wine based on some inspiration from your parents. My parents were keen home winemakers, experimenting with many flavours. Some memorable flavours were rosehip, rowan, tea, apple, marrow, and beetroot - apparently the beetroot even stained your pee purple... After obtaining a starter winemaking kit from a local charity shop, Mrs Gerbil and I have made a few concoctions, sometimes with alarming results. She will be quick to note that the Vimto wine was certainly not her idea As a tribute to it's flavour, it has been called Vim... This being the bramble season, today was spent making bramble wine.

Boots used to stock winemaking kit, but not any more. The best place to get wine and beer making supplies in Scotland, in my opinion is Stirling Health Food Store, where the owner has given me loads of helpful advice.

The following recipe is based on one from my parents copy of "The Boots Book of Home Winemaking and Brewing" by BCA Turner published 1979. Last year we used the stock boots recipe. This year we have tweaked it to use more fruit and less sugar. Variations for this year's version are in brackets.

Bramble wine (5 gallons or 25 litres)

7.5kg freshly picked brambles (10kg)
1250 grams red grape juice concentrate (5 litres of supermarket grape juice worked fine)
4.5kg sugar (4kg)
18 litres boiling water
5 tsp citric acid. (3 tsp)
1/2 tsp tannin (didn't have any last year. Forgot to get any this year.)
pectolase (5 tsp although read the label on the container)
yeast nutrient
yeast.

Wash, drain and crush the brambles, pour on the boiling water and when cool (the next day) add the acid, tannin, pectolase, grape juice, nutrient and yeast. Make sure whatever you are using as a fermentation vessel is big enough to hold all this. If you are using supermarket grape juice, it's not all going to fit into a standard 5 gallon fermenter. This is when you realise that 1250 grams of concentrated grape juice takes up a whole lot less volume. If you need to, only use 2 litres of grape juice at this stage.

Place the lid on top of your fermentation vessel loosely, leave it in a warm place for 5 days.

Now the recipe says you need to strain, press, stir in the sugar, pour into a fermentation jar, top up with cold boiled water and ferment to dryness. Oh, how one sentence can make it seem so simple...

We had a big funnel over the fermentation vessel, and into that we placed a bit of muslin. We then started syphoning the bramble juice through. After 2 litres out of the 25 or so, the pipe was blocked with bramble pips, and the cloth was clogged with fruit pulp. It was clear we were going to be there all day. After some head scratching (if your hands are covered in bramble juice, everything you touch will turn purple, including the head you are scratching) we got another fermentation bucket, pegged the muslin in a sort of cone over the bucket, poured in the remaining pulp and went out for lunch. When we got back, the majority of liquid had drained into the bucket. All we then had to do was wring out the fruit pulp to get the last of the juice out, transfer the liquid to the fermentation vessel and add the 4 kilos of sugar.

Bugger, there's only two kilos in the cupboard. We could have sworn there was four.

So now after visiting the place where "every little helps" there's four kilos of sugar in the now fermenting bramble juice. The gravity at this stage is 1.060, although that may be on the low side. I'm not convinced all the sugar has disolved.

In about a week, when the fermentation has slowed down I'll rack it - that's where you syphon to a fresh vessel, leaving the later of yeast sediment behind. Then it will be left for up to a month to ensure fermentation has stopped. At this stage I will rack it, add campden tablets to stop the fermentation, de-gas it, and then filter it to clear it. Then it's off to somewhere cool to mature for a year.

Simple.

But my hands are still purple.

A Day Sixteen Flashback.

2011-09-04T00:01:00.001+01:00

Back on day sixteen I suggested an attempt at Psalm 23 to the tune of "Tiptoe Through the Tulips."

Someone has been there already. Enjoy.

With bonus points awarded if you can get a congregation to join in.

Torchwood

2011-09-03T00:06:00.000+01:00

Jack, please keep your trousers on. You spent a large enough chunk of last week in the very close company of your new companion. As an intergalactic traveller, at least you have managed to choose an approximately compatible species for a change, although in sci-fi, bipedal apes are a lot easier to cast. (There's not many casting agencies where you can obtain a red-shirted, amorphous blob of goo to die in the first ten minutes of your latest space opera.)

But really, the only time you get undressed is when there's ten minutes to kill between plot elements. Yes, we are aware that the relationship with Angelo will be critical for the second part of the series, but when Rose "I want you to draw me like one of your French girls" and Jack got it together, they scored $1.8bn at the box office, and all you saw was one sweaty hand in the back of a Renault.

So, Jack, when it comes to screen time in the buff, remember that it's quality over quantity that counts.

Day Thirty-One - Epilogue

2011-08-31T23:43:00.000+01:00

Well I was surprised that I saw this through to the end.

There's a lot of reading in the bible. If you've never read the bible before, this probably isn't the best way to go about it. In places it can be a bit of a slog, especially where there are long genealogies. There's a load of rules in the first week, with plenty of kings and battles to keep track of. Jesus doesn't get a mention until the middle of the fourth week, and then he's gone in a couple of days.

There is a considerable time commitment involved. There's probably a couple of hours reading each day. I'm a pretty fast reader, and I really enjoy reading, but even I found it slow going in places. It's sore on the eyes after a while, although being able to increase the font size helped. And there were occasions where I did fall a bit behind, mainly to save being rude to friends. I'm fortunate that I can sit at my desk at break times, tea in one hand and phone in the other, reading my online version. I've also been able to sit and read when I've had spare time, like when the bike was getting tyres fitted.

Reading the bible in one pass meant that I was able to join the various bible stories into one timeline. As Nik notes, "The Bible's a cracking good read" but I think it's one that sould be savoured. Now I'm planning on going back and spending a bit of time focusing on some particular books. Job springs to mind, John's Gospel, and the letter to the Hebrews are my first candidates for real study. But not this month.

In all, I've enjoyed it. It's been good to catch up with old friends. Just the next time we all meet up, I won't have them all round at once.

And I do feel a bit more ready to take on my placement next month.

In other news, I've had my first real pastoral care type encounter. There's nothing I can blog about it, for understandable confidentiality reasons. I think it went OK, sometimes all you can do is listen.

Day Thirty.

2011-08-30T22:23:00.001+01:00

Revelation 22

¹And he shewed me a pure river of water of life, clear as crystal, proceeding out of the throne of God and of the Lamb. ²In the midst of the street of it, and on either side of the river, was there the tree of life, which bare twelve manner of fruits, and yielded her fruit every month: and the leaves of the tree were for the healing of the nations.
³And there shall be no more curse: but the throne of God and of the Lamb shall be in it; and his servants shall serve him:
⁴And they shall see his face; and his name shall be in their foreheads.
⁵And there shall be no night there; and they need no candle, neither light of the sun; for the Lord God giveth them light: and they shall reign for ever and ever.
⁶And he said unto me, These sayings are faithful and true: and the Lord God of the holy prophets sent his angel to shew unto his servants the things which must shortly be done.
⁷Behold, I come quickly: blessed is he that keepeth the sayings of the prophecy of this book.
⁸And I John saw these things, and heard them. And when I had heard and seen, I fell down to worship before the feet of the angel which shewed me these things.
⁹Then saith he unto me, See thou do it not: for I am thy fellowservant, and of thy brethren the prophets, and of them which keep the sayings of this book: worship God.
¹⁰And he saith unto me, Seal not the sayings of the prophecy of this book: for the time is at hand.
¹¹He that is unjust, let him be unjust still: and he which is filthy, let him be filthy still: and he that is righteous, let him be righteous still: and he that is holy, let him be holy still.
¹²And, behold, I come quickly; and my reward is with me, to give every man according as his work shall be.
¹³I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, the first and the last.
¹⁴Blessed are they that do his commandments, that they may have right to the tree of life, and may enter in through the gates into the city.
¹⁵For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie.
¹⁶I Jesus have sent mine angel to testify unto you these things in the churches. I am the root and the offspring of David, and the bright and morning star.
¹⁷And the Spirit and the bride say, Come. And let him that heareth say, Come. And let him that is athirst come. And whosoever will, let him take the water of life freely.
¹⁸For I testify unto every man that heareth the words of the prophecy of this book, If any man shall add unto these things, God shall add unto him the plagues that are written in this book:
¹⁹And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city, and from the things which are written in this book.
²⁰He which testifieth these things saith, Surely I come quickly. Amen. Even so, come, Lord Jesus.
²¹The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you all. Amen.

Here endeth the lesson.

Flash mob

2011-08-29T23:58:00.000+01:00

To anyone that thought having thirty of your friends turn up in a station and sing Hallelujah was an impressive feat, why not try bringing along the whole orchestra - strings, brass, drums and even a harp.

Enjoy.

Day Twenty-Nine

2011-08-29T23:17:00.000+01:00

More letters today. One of the books I'm wanting to go back and have a nose at in greater depth is the letter to the Hebrews. There seems to be a lot going on there, but that's for another day.

Tomorrow is Judgement Day.

Day Twenty-Eight - The Letters

2011-08-28T23:15:00.000+01:00

THUD!

That's the sound of a letter from Paul landing on a first century Corinthian doormat. Never let it be said that he was a man of few words.

Tomorrow, more of the letters.

Day Twenty-Seven - Acts

2011-08-27T22:47:00.000+01:00

Acts 2:15 "These people are not drunk, as you suppose. It’s only nine in the morning!"

Nine in the morning?

Long long ago in a holiday camp far far away, nine in the morning was just a state of mind, and the sun was always over the yard-arm somewhere. Peter, I've been employed there, done that, and in 1994 I even got the T shirt to prove it.

There's many a tale to tell...

Tomorrow, we find out what the Romans ever did for us...

Day Twenty-Five - Mark and Luke

2011-08-25T23:35:00.000+01:00

Following along to someone elses reading plan meant that Jesus died yesterday. He died today. He will also die twice tomorrow.

But he rose from the dead yesterday. He rose again today. And I'm pretty sure he will rise again twice tomorrow. That's pretty good.

Knowing he's risen. Priceless.

Some things in life money can't buy.

Thanks.

2011-08-24T22:31:00.000+01:00

I've had just over a thousand hits on this site since I re-started it. Thanks for dropping by and I hope I've not offended too many people.

Day Twenty-Four ...And in With The New.

2011-08-24T22:29:00.000+01:00

So today it was all of Matthew and a wee bit of Mark.

When you do the whole bible in chunks, you realise that the whole of Jesus' ministry, or at least a gospel worth, can be read in a couple of hours. Compared to some of the early prophets that went on for a couple of days, Jesus really wasn't with us for that long. In fact, his disciples use up more words than he does. Well it's not the quantity, it's the quality.

But today took me past Matthew 7:24-27 about the wise and foolish builders. This reading was used for the Young Church last weekend. By way of demonstration, the house had shoogly foundations until the words of Jesus were used as underpinnings.

Perhaps not the best illustration, but you had to be there...

Tomorrow it's on to Luke 15 via the rest of Mark.

Day Twenty-Three. Out with the Old...

2011-08-23T18:00:00.003+01:00

So this is the end of the Old Testament. Through the last of the prophets. Realising that an atheists bible would be so much shorter, as atheism is a non-prophet organisation...

So I went through Jonah. He was regurgitated on the shores near to Nineveh, where he went and proclaimed the Lord's message. The Ninevans (Ninevehans?) immediately agreed to dress in sackcloth, sit on ashes and repent from their wicked ways.

It was a pretty prompt result, but if you're presented with a man standing there, dripping in whale puke, you'll agree to pretty much anything he says, as long as the scary man goes and stands downwind...

Tomorrow it's the New Testament, The Gospel according to Mark, and, alas, more begatting.

Day Twenty-Two

2011-08-22T22:39:00.001+01:00

Up to the end of Amos via the furnace and the lions den. A risky day for all concerned.

Apparently only people without beards can survive the lions den, because in tests, 8 out of 10 cats prefered whiskers.

Let's have a blast from the past (about 3,000 years ago), pop pickers, with some Boney M. (because I forgot to put this in when I did the psalms)

Day Twenty-one

2011-08-21T19:07:00.001+01:00

So now we're up to Ezekiel 47.

This takes us past Ezekiel 37 verses 1-14 where the prophet saw the valley of "Dem Bones"

Now hear the word of the Lord!

A few years ago I had the pleasure of meeting Ray Harryhausen, I've been a fan of stop motion animation for years, and Ray is the inspiration for many a modern animator, so much so that the bar in Monsters Inc is named after him.

So once you've seen Jason and the Argonauts, the only thing that can possibly enter my head when I hear about the valley of the dry bones, is the scene where the teeth of the Hydra are sown and the skeletal army rises from the ground. If you've not seen it (where have you been?), please enjoy the following from the film.

Long Term Car Hire (or Italy and back in a banger)

2011-08-20T19:37:00.002+01:00

Over at The Year of Living Frugally, Fran is in two minds about keeping a car. They are expensive tings to keep, even if they don't turn a wheel.

A few years ago, Mrs Gerbil and I were having a discussion that centred around hiring a car for the summer. We were in the process of arranging car hire for a trip to New Zealand, and some of the prices from the main companies were eye watering. We worked out that it would be possible to buy a car, tax it, insure it and run it for a whole summer before selling it when you wanter rid of it for a whole lot less than hiring a car for a week. Following on from this, one of us suggested that it would be fun to take an old banger for a final hurl round Europe. And Mrs G thought this would be a great idea. I was surprised she went along with the idea.

So when you're doing something like this, you just have to get it sponsored.

And so began what became known as Bob's Big Adventure, named after "Bob the Bible" thechurch mascot that was accompanying us on the trip.

The car was a pretty basic Citroen AX diesel that had 125,000 miles on the clock when we departed on our trip. I paid £500 and the mechanic I bought it from gave it a very thorough service before we left. The challenge was to leave immediately after the morning service, take the car through 10 countries and arrive back in time for the same service two weeks later.

Well we thrashed the bum off that car. Over the Forth Bridge then down through England, into France, while blagging our way onto the bridge of the ferry, then through France, Belgium, Luxembourg, back into France, for the night. Next day it was an adventure through Switzerland, passing the army knife factory, before stopping at the foot of the Splugen pass.

Well this was the point that the car started misbehaving. It was tuned for sea level, and here we were, 1475m (4839) above sea level telling it to climb another 700 or so metres to 2113m, just so we could set a wheel in Italy. 20% less oxygen at the top of the pass meant that the can was pouring out white smoke and misfiring all the way up. But we did it. Italy ticked off the list.

Now all we had to do was come back down - a 700 metre descent.

Brakes slow your car down by converting motion into heat.

Brake fluid can boil if you brake too much

Brake fluid doesn't work if it's boiling.

brake discs can shatter if excessively heated.

Adrenaline is brown.

Remember the Italian Job. Whistling the theme tune does very little to reassure your passengers as you career from one hairpin to the next, and all the while this mad German was flashing his lights at us, pulling allongside to tell us "you haf duzt coming from your auto. you vill break down soon!" Thanks for the warning, but this car is made of tougher stuff - it is one of the best bits of engineering to ever leave France. Which is a shame, because they hang on to the best engineering for themselves, leaving us in this upholstered rollerskate.

But survive it did, and it even allowed Mrs G to discover that a three figure speed on the autobahn is possible, even if the car feels like it will shake apart around you. So all that was left was a mad dash accross Austria, Germany and into the Netherlands. We stopped to visit the CofS minister in Amsterdam, before re-entering England, through Wales and back To Scotland. We even had a bit of time to kill so we visited INdia, or at least set foot on Indian diplomatic teritory by going to their embassy, and managed a photo call with the First Minister of the time, Jack McConnell.

We raised around £2,000 for a leprosy centre we were helping, and had an amazing holiday at the same time. 3000 miles in a car that should have been scrapped. I hang on to the car to the end of the summer, and used it as our little runaround. It was still giving around 60 to the gallon.

But all good things have to come to an end, so the AX was sold on Ebay after 4 months for £420. While I was sorry to see it go, it was surplus to requirements. The car had tax, so I needed to insure it which cost around £120ish. So 4 months car hire for £200 less fuel. By way of comparison, 1 months car hire for a similar sized car from a major company is £800.

Would I do it again? Well it's not that far from Africa to the Arctic Circle...

Edit. Mrs G mentioned that we MOT'd the car before selling it. So add £50 or so. £250 for some great motoring.

Day Nineteen

2011-08-19T18:31:00.000+01:00

ne ne ne ne ne ne nineteen

A shedload of Isaiah and 37 chapters of Jeremiah got me back up to date. My head is now buzzing with warnings of false gods and false idols.

But there was mention of a new covenant and someone who is still to come. Who could that be?

But of course, tonight Mrs Gerbil started talking about some of the things in Revelations. Typical. You start reading an interesting book and some sod has to give away the ending!

Day Seventeen and a Quarter

2011-08-17T22:45:00.000+01:00

When I saw Song of Songs described in my Bible as "Solomon's Most Excellent Love Song" I realised that Bill and Ted must have paused their time travels to do a bit of translation. They probably overshot on the way back to find Socrates. (Dust... Wind... Dude)

I just think that "God gave rock 'n' roll to you" is a much better lyric than "Your teeth are like a flock of newly shorn sheep coming up from the washing place" I tried this line out on Mrs Gerbil and she seemed unconvinced - she gave me THAT look. There's probably a lot lost in translation here, so while I work out what the two of you, the maidens and the night watchman are on about, would the lot of you please just take the portable couch and get a room.

That's all for now. Party on, and be excellent to each other.

Day Seventeen

2011-08-17T17:56:00.000+01:00

So today I finished the psalms, then went on to do Proverbs and Ecclesiastes.

Nothing much to report. Solomon seems like a wise old chap, despite his earlier worhiping of flase gods. If only he had listened to his own proverbs.

I've caught up to being a day behind.

Day Sixteen

2011-08-16T22:46:00.000+01:00

Today I got up to Psalm 100, or about halfway through day 15's reading. The psalms are where modern hymwriters go to seek inspiration, or in other words, to steal a line or two.

The version of the bible that I'm reading has captions above some of the psalms describing them as a well written psalm. I'm not sure how much significance this has to a modern reader, given that these same verses have been translated into english from the original, probably through translators who want to put their own spin on things.Some bits feel as if an early version of Bad Translator has been at work. For example, the first three verses of psalm 23 translated at random 56 times comes out as...

"The Lord is my Shepherd, I do not know. I think the watershed. Give me your real name and spirit."

or

"My pastor said. Water transport is high. I feel good, he thought the street."

or even

"One of my friends did not rest in peace. This is the name of my mind."

(please note that this is most certainly not the word of God.)

So it might have been a well written psalm when originally written, but it's a bit rough now.

For a bit of entertainment, in the spirit of hymn writers everywhere, and in particular, as tribute to "I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue" let's try a version of Psalm 23 to the tune of "Tiptoe through the Tulips"

Day Fifteen

2011-08-15T18:52:00.001+01:00

I've done all of day 12 and a good chunk of day 13, that includes Esther, Nehemiah, Ezra and Job. Not too keen on Job - he was a bit of a slog. I may do the first 20 or so psalms later to take me up to the end of day 13. If I was on track, I should have finished the psalms today.

Day Fourteen

2011-08-14T15:25:00.001+01:00

I'm a bit behind. I was visiting some friends all weekend, and I didn't want to be as rude as to spend hours staring at my phone. I'll catch up soon enough.

Church News

2011-08-11T18:09:00.000+01:00

We had a streaker in our church last Sunday.

After a short chase, we caught him by the organ...

Thanks. I'm here all week.

Day Eleven. To the end of Chronicles

2011-08-11T18:08:00.000+01:00

Glad to see the back of Chronicles. Most of it has been told in the preceding books, so it was a bit dull.

Tomorrow it's on to Job 5.

England disruption

2011-08-10T18:56:00.000+01:00

Would calm heads please prevail in England. It's not a protest, it's not a riot. It's theft, arson and violence.

A few months ago I praised social media for helping to bring reform in the middle east. Now this is the darker side, as social media is ised to cause trouble. While the trouble makers may feel they have a gripe with the UK state, in other countries if you go on a looting spree, you find yourself dangling from a lamp post.

Let's have some prayers for calm, support for the broomstick army, and lets have a lot of rain for England for the next week or so.

And to anyone that is stupid enough to steal a phone and try and use it, don't you know they log the serial numbers...

Day Ten. Of Kings and Chronicles

2011-08-10T18:51:00.000+01:00

So I'm a third of the way through. It's heavy going, as it's a lot of reading to fit around work and sleeping, but I'm still going.

Today took me through the last of Kings whch led up to the exile in Babylon. Chronicles is a bit dull, as there's a lot of geneology, or if I was reading an older translation, a load of begatting.

Tomorrow it's on to 2 Chronicles 33, and probably more begatting.

Day Nine. Kings, Kings and more Kings.

2011-08-09T19:24:00.001+01:00

Today I encountered King Solomon. At first glance he seems like a wise old chap, but by the end he's off worshiping false gods.

It's getting a bit repettitive. God leads these folk out of Egypt, shows miracle after miracle, and says in no uncertain terms that bad things will happen if you worship false gods, and they still go off and do wrong things. Israel, would you just get a grip on yourself! Do you want God to put it in thousand foot high burning letters above Jerusalem? "THERE IS NO OTHER GOD THAN ME!!!" Would they get the message?

Probably not.

Tomorrow it's the remainder of 2 Kings.

Day Eight. More Samuel

2011-08-08T20:42:00.000+01:00

Twentysix thousand odd words later and the best I can come up with for today is...

I don't really like David.

I might expand on this later. Probably not.

Tomorrow, onto 2 Kings 8

Day Seven. Judges, Ruth and Samuel

2011-08-07T18:01:00.000+01:00

An odd day.

Starting off with Samson. Strength in folicles, brain in testicles.

A good tale of Loyalty in Ruth.

Samuel, offered up at the temple before he has much of a choice in the matter.

Finishing off with David, Goliath and one hundred foreskins.

Tomorrow the instructions say onwards to 1 Kings 1, although I'll probably just stop at the end of 2 Samuel as I'm not leaving a read with only one chapter hanging.

Day Six, Joshua and Judges.

2011-08-06T17:59:00.000+01:00

Joshua sent his priests with trumpets round the city walls. The trumpeters sounded, the people gave a great shout, and the walls collapsed.

Sometimes you just have to let the praise band cause a bit of chaos.

And being nailed to the floor with a tent peg? That's got to nip. Sisera probably needed that like a hole in the head.

Tomorrow it's on to 1 Samuel 22.

P.S. Please feed my fish. ======================================>

Day Five. Deuteronomy

2011-08-05T23:51:00.003+01:00

The whole of Deuteronomy today as I wasn't stopping at chapter 32 out of 34, leaving Moses alone on a hillside.

The parent says "...be careful crossing the road."

The teacher says "...study hard."

The wise man says "...don't feed them after midnight."

The mad scientist says "...don't cross the streams."

They all have one last attempt at reminding those in their care of the important rules.

Moses spends Deuteronomy reminding the Israelites of God's rules, and why it's exceptionally important to pay attention.

But we all know that as soon as they are out of house/school/shop/converted firestation/the Jordan it will be "rules? I don't remember no rules...

Well done Moses. You got them this far, and you tried hard.

But I particularly liked the idea of stoning rebelious teenagers. I might not state that on my Disclosure form....

I will admit that today was a bit of a slog.

Tomorrow it's on to Judges 9

Tithing

2011-08-04T23:15:00.000+01:00

While there may be some small details to sort out, I think we may almost have found a replacement for the tithe.

If anyone is looking for me, I'll be in the Gerbil Tavern. Saving the world.

Day Four. Numbers

2011-08-04T17:07:00.001+01:00

So where else to sit and read Numbers than that Edinburgh building known only by its number, 121. I didn't see a bible there either, but I didn't do much searching. There was three copies of "Life and Work" which is almost an acceptable substitute.

When I read Judges, I'll do it in a court house,the letter to the Corinthians will be in the Post Office, and I'll read Romans in Pizza Hut.

Today we had numbers. Lots and lots of numbers. Censuses of all the people present at that time went to show that there were a shed-load of genuine, original Red Sea pedestrians.

Also, at this point it becomes abundantly clear that you should be grateful for the food you have, don't go whinging because you don't have meat, fish, or cheeseburgers. And under no circumstances do you want to piss off God. He's a good and caring God, so be happy with what you've got.

But the best bit of all has to be the talking donkey.

Hoping for Shrek tomorrow as I head into Deuteronomy 32.

Day Three. Leviticus

2011-08-03T19:02:00.002+01:00

Today I had to get the tyres replaced on the bike. Having a few hours to kill, I went to a local tourist attraction church to carry on reading. Glad I brought my own bible, because I'm not convinced they had any.. Plenty of hymn books though.

As I sat in the pleasant Victorian interior, I got to the bit about not mixing fibres in your clothing.

A quick audit revealed cotton fibres from head to toe. At last, a bible rule that I passed! But then I realised that the stitching was probably polyester. Bummer. I took consolation in the fact that, to my knowledge I have never mated different kinds of animals.

Tomorrow it's onwards to Numbers 31

Day Two. Exodus

2011-08-02T20:06:00.000+01:00

Exodus was easier reading than Genesis. So far today, Moses has had a lot written about him. A short chase through the desert by the Egyptians then you get the Ten Commandments and a bit of interior design.

And not much begatting. Good.

Tomorrow. Exodus 30 to Leviticus 25.

Day one. Genesis

2011-08-01T21:15:00.000+01:00

Got off to a good start. So far I've had everything from "In the beginning..." to Joseph and his quite attractive coat* with Adam, Eve and a drunken naked Noah thrown in, That's the bit that they never taught me in Sunday School.

And Lot needs to learn to keep his hands to himself, and not be so free and easy with his daughter's virtue.

Tomorrow we are on to Genesis (probably the Phil Collins part) chapter 43 and onto Exodus 29.

*Can't call it an A*****g T****ic****r D***m C**t as that's © The Really Useful Group**

**Apparently named after a book by the Rev WV Awdry***

***Creator of The Island of Sodor, amongst others.But you knew that... Didn't you..?

Thirty days

2011-08-01T10:00:00.020+01:00

I've got 30 days to kill.

I'll not be doing anything enquiry based until my minister returns from her holidays. So I'm going to make the time fruitful. So inspired by this video on Mrs Gerbil's blog I've got a cunning plan.

The whole bible in 30 days. Or about 26,000 words a day, allowing for lots of begatting. And boy, is there a lot of begatting...

I'll be guided in this venture by Glenn Brooke's guide here. With the Bible itself being the New English Translation, a freee edition on my phone.

So today, day one it's everything up to and including Genesis 41. (I'm told that was when they still had Peter Gabriel.)

Enquiry. The prequel

2011-07-30T22:08:00.000+01:00

I met with the minister that is going to be steering me through this Extended Enquiry thing. I'm not going to mention names or places, but I will say that they have a load of life and ministerial experience, and I'm sure they will be an inspiration.

Still, deep down, I have two thoughts. One is that I'm doing the right thing, and the thought that has been with me this past few months, that this is the right path to follow, remains true. The other is that I'm wasting a lot of peoples time, and I'd be better off walking awy and pretending it never happened.

It's sort of like having an angel and a demon on each shoulder. Whispering their take on life in your ear.

But which tale belongs to the demon, and to which the angel...

My head is officially up my...

A closing prayer, from my American friend...

I pray that God gives you the strength to do outrageous things.

Amen to that.

Olympic Swimming Ool

2011-07-27T16:17:00.000+01:00

According to the BBC, the Olympic Swimming Ool opened today.

It's brand new. It hasn't yet got a P in it...

This Stuff Just Got Real

2011-07-21T23:20:00.000+01:00

A letter arrived today from the place known to those in the inner circle as "One Two One" informing me who will be guiding me through my Extended Enquiry.

Now I'm less confident than I was. Has God made a big mistake? He's got 7,000,000,000 other folk to keep an eye on, surely there's someone better for the job. I'm just wasting people's time.

Really?

I'm a lousy follower.

What do you want me for?

Nineveh, Me?

Yes, I've read your number one best seller a few times, but do you really think I'm taking it all in?

I'm going to go along, be pleasant and see what happens. Suddenly I'm feeling a lot less sure of myself.

But there's still something in the back of my mind pushing me along. And that's the bit that's scary.

Fascinating fact

2011-07-20T22:25:00.000+01:00

If home movies are included, I have a Bacon Number of 4.

Beat that!

Wedding Proposal

2011-07-17T15:53:00.003+01:00

If you're going to do a job, do it right...

With best wishes to the happy couple. But if that's the proposal, It's going to be one hell of a honeymoon!

A turning point in social media

2011-07-07T22:50:00.002+01:00

In the past, newspapers had the power to topple governments. The Watergate scandal, is one prime example. Now social media has came of age, and it's the citizen journalists that have the power. This year we have seen governments shaken in the middle east, thanks to the liberating power of the internet.

But tonight, social media has brought down the News of the World. the little journalists have taken a bite out of the old guard, thanks to a well orchestrated campaign on Twitter. Although it did take a little bit of help from the Guardian to get things moving, it's the people that won.

The internet can be a disturbing place sometimes, but occasionally it is liberating. Keep it free.

I wouldn't waste...

2011-07-05T19:51:00.003+01:00

...good piss on the News of the World if it was burning.

(Disclosure. I have been employed in the News Group, a long time ago.)

Have a read at this article... from the BBC
or this one... from the Guardian

Newspapers rely on advertising. How about having a word with the Investor Relations departments of Tesco, Aldi, Currys, and the Body Shop, who all ran adverts in News of the World last week. Persuade them that you might not like to associate one good brand with a nasty, grubby one.

Because there's some papers that I wouldn't even wrap my chips in.

Enquirers Conference (Part Four)

2011-06-30T11:25:00.002+01:00

So what next?

*********************************************************************

TO: Vocation @ Church of Scotland
From: Spot
Subject: Extended Enquiry

Having attended the recent Enquirers Conference, I’ve given the whole calling thing some thought. I feel I’d like to enter into a period of Extended Enquiry, heading in the direction of Ordained Local Ministry. Can you please send me the application pack.

*********************************************************************

I've taken the red pill – Let's stay in Wonderland and I see how deep the rabbit-hole goes.

Enquirers Conference (Part three)

2011-06-28T15:00:00.000+01:00

So what did I get out of it?

Well I genuinely feel I'm being called to something. I was keen on being a reader a few years ago, as I have helped lead worship, and some people actually liked my various sermons. So I went along to the Readership talk, but this time it just didn't feel quite right. The speaker was a great guy, and really was enthused with his role as a reader, but something wasn't there for me.

The two deacons that were speaking sounded like they have the most rewarding lives. They were doing God's work in their communities and were doing it amazingly well. They came from the more troubled areas in the West, and demonstrated that God's love can cement a fractured community back together. But while I have the utmost respect for them, something wasn't right for me.

It was the Ordained Local ministry that seemed to fit me best. I've had a sort of feeling that the Auxiliary ministry (now OLM) was where God was nudging me, and the more I heard abut it, the more "right" it felt. I need to go away and think seriously about whether this is really what God is wanting for me.

I had went to this conference knowing that whatever I’m being called to do, I can’t do anything that will get in the way of Mrs Gerbil. One of the first people I encountered had a husband who will be starting university this year (probably encountering Mrs G at some point.) , and was exploring her own call. We agreed that the traditional role of ministerial spouse, doting housewife, cakemaker and Guild member wasn’t for either of us. Then there was the husband and wife who are ministers in adjoining parishes. Then another minister whose husband plays a regular part in worship, and finally, the friend of mine, a deacon whose wife went to conference with Mrs G. All of these couples work well together, so I’m a bit happier about doing my thing. Whatever that is.

There was one conference delegate who I had a private discussion with late on the second day, and during our discussion we considered a few options. It would have been nice if we had longer to talk. (For obvious reasons I can’t reveal the discussion.) Sometimes I feel awkward giving advice , as I can’t believe anyone would take me seriously. If you ever read this, I hope that things work out for you and you continue to explore your call, wherever you end up.

More follows...

Enquirers Conference (part two)

2011-06-26T20:02:00.004+01:00

So now with part two of this series, having already done a middle, I'll go back to the start.

The Enquirers conference is one of the key stages of the whole Enquiry process. If God is calling you to become a Minister, Deacon, or Reader, then God is going to send you to an Enquirers conference. Or more precisely, He'll give you a rough direction then you find your own way to Dundee.

So the best way to approach an event like this is to do whatever registration is required of you, then find a person with a name badge. Slowly approach them, smile, and ask if they are here for the conference as well. They smile, say yes, and after you have exchanged pleasantries, discussed the weather and the large amount of Take That fans on the Glasgow train, you realise that the other party is here for a Star Trek convention. You make your apologies and go find your own species of convention goer. The green skin should have been a giveaway...

(Actually, when I worked for a large bank I was at a work convention at a hotel in Edinburgh. Part way through the evening I had managed convince the HR Director to add my beer tab to his account, and was trying to drink through the bank's 2001-02 profit margin. Looks like I am the reason for the bank bail-out. After a few too many free drams I went out to the lobby to recover. There was a convention of rail users in the next room, and one of their party tried to convince me to buy a train. Apparently all I had to do was buy the train from Canada, with finance from the far east, then lease it back to Network Rail for them to haul ballast at night. I think I signed something, so I may own a train. I hope Network Rail can hang onto it, as the driveway is a bit crowded for a class 66)

So a couple of Enquirers were gathered on the lawn, then the group slowly expanded as more and more people arrived. The usual pleasantries, along with some more probing questions about what we wanted to gain from the conference. This is the point that you realise that there are plenty of people there who are in the exact same boat as you. Knowing they have a call of some description, but wanting to probe it a bit more. It's the point you realise you are not alone.

Over the Friday evening and the Saturday morning you are sent in shifts round a series of speakers, from Mission and Discipleship, Ministry of Word and Sacrament, Crossreach, Diaconal Ministry, Readership and World Mission You do three 30 minute sessions on the Friday, and three on the Saturday. Along with this there is acts of worship and sessions from the key speakers. I was pleasantly surprised to recognise one of the speakers as a the husband of one of Mrs Gerbil's friends from her enquiry process. We had met up a year ago, so it was nice to be able to catch up again.

While there is a lot to cram in to 24 hours, at no point did it feel rushed, and there was always time to reflect with your fellow enquirers. There was also space left in the schedule to be able to have a private chat with the speakers.

The thing is, you will never get all the answers in the space of a day. This conference is only a beginning.

But what did I get out of it? More to follow.

Enquirers Conference (part one)

2011-06-26T19:30:00.000+01:00

5 blooming am. In some religious orders, I'd probably have been up two hours ago, but this of the Church of Scotland - 11am is fine for worship, thank you very much. There was a sign in every room saying the shower, hair straighteners, kettles (or probably even respiration) would set off the alarm. So there were at least three women standing in the car park wrapped in towels. I hope someone had recently pissed (or worse) in your shower. My sense of Christian calm only appears after the third cup of tea.

And thanks to Tayside Fire and Rescue for turning out so quickly. I know we've dragged you out of your bed as well.

So having been well and truly woken up, I decided to go for a walk into Dundee to see if there was a bacon roll available. A city in the early hours looks like every sort of post apocalyptic movie you have ever seen. No cars, no people, in fact I think I only saw one other person before I got to Desperate Dan and Minnie the Minx. Sort of creepy, un-natural. The bustling city without the bustle.

On the way I passed the entry to the Western Cemetery. The gates have the sermon on the mount cast into them, in a series of iron plates. The gate posts have panels, about three foot square, with a series of biblical verses in them. The stonework is badly corroded and the verses are in a sorry state of disrepair. If the gates are ever repaired, I know that there will be outcry about the council reinstating the verses on the stonework. Letters will be sent to the Courier, and the council, most probably written by white atheists, complaining that the council might cause offence to Asian Muslims. Nobody ever seems to ask the Muslims, although in my experience, they aren't that bothered.

How many churches does the centre of Dundee really need? Two of them surrounded by the Overgate Centre with a third just over the road. There's something about this that doesn't feel right. A house divided can't stand. Lease them out as a designer shopping outlet and use the money to fund a united church and community centre on a central brownfield site.

Dundee was waking up as I returned to the West Park Centre. Morning reflection and meditation at 7.30 before breakfast at 8. Just a nice spell of reflective calm before the day began.

The rest of the Enquirers conference follows over the next few posts.

Rude awakenings.

2011-06-25T08:03:00.002+01:00

Fire alarm at enquirers conference. 5 @:;()/$%&ing am!

Enquirers Conference 24th-25th June

2011-06-17T15:55:00.003+01:00

I'll be at the Enquirers Conference next week, hoping to hear more about the various ministries, callings etc. I'm hoping that life may make more sense afterwards - an ambitious goal...

If you are going, enjoy yourself, ask loads of questions and remember that you are not the only one with your head up your nether regions about the whole calling thing.

And if you see a confused looking, biking gerbil, please say hello

The rise of the robots.

2011-06-12T23:49:00.002+01:00

Isaac Asimov stated three rules of robotics which are...

A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
A robot must obey any orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.

But there's a problem. You see these rules were created by a human, and in particular, a human that made his living selling sci-fi novels. When the robots rise up against us, a set of human rules aren't going to make a blind bit of difference. Feel free to stand in front of the oncoming independent robot army, waving your white flag on a stick. Rule one is definitely not going to apply.

Hopefully the robot ray gun will leave enough of your remains for me to sweep you up into a small pile. If you're lucky, your last journey may even be through my Dustbuster. I will let your family know that your last words were a brave but optimistic "Klaatu barada nikto", not the "oh shiiiiiiiii......" you uttered as you realised that rule two was no longer on the table.

The robots are on the rise. Come with me if you want to live...

Yes, I know this is meant to be a reflective journal. It's my blog, why can't I be reflecting on ray gun wielding robots?

Go away! We're worshiping!

2011-06-02T12:09:00.002+01:00

It’s Sunday. 10.50am and after a pretty heavy life of drink, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll, and especially after the chemical fuelled experience that will forever be known as last night, you find God. You weren’t even looking for him, but in a strange sort of way, God enters your life. You woke up, and he was there. (some smug smart arse will later tell you that he has been there all your life. While this is true, there’s always some sanctimonious halfwit ready to spout Christian soundbites to the newly converted. Slap them. Blame it on a throwback to your former life and all will be forgiven. I’ll probably thank you.) Yet, as a special sort of calm descends over your life, and you finally realise what’s been missing, you decide to start afresh.

10:55am. After briefly saying thanks for your new life, you decide that you want to go to church. There’s a building at the end of your road that might be a church. Well, you think it’s a church. There’s a cross on the wall, but the only thing they ever seem to do is a good line in coffee mornings. Looking out the window you see a few people walking in a churchward direction, all carrying an A5 sized purple book. Thinking that this is probably the bible, you hope you can borrow one. (In the future you will realise that it’s a hymn book. Church of Scotland members don’t carry bibles.) You make yourself presentable, grab a handful of change for the collection and proceed with haste out the door. You are on a mission.

11:03am. You arrive at the church. Slightly late for the 11am service, you plan to slip in the door, slide into a pew and go un noticed. From the inside you hear an organ striking up a tune that’s familiar from childhood – something about all things being bright and beautiful – with vocal accompaniment by the purple book people.

11:04am and things are getting puzzling. The main door is shut and locked. The side door is similarly sealed. There isn’t even a window you can look through as they are too high and mostly obscured glass. There isn’t even a doorbell. Realising this probably isn’t the best church for you, you decide to go to the pub.

11:21am. On the way to the local hostelry, you walk past a church with the doors open. You slip in the back, while someone comes over, gives you one of the purple books, says hi and asks you to stay for a coffee afterwards. You realise you have landed.

And that’s almost but not quite based on real events. A local church has a nasty habit of closing the door as soon as the last person has arrived. 11:01am and the doors are shut and bolted, leaving latecomers to peep through the windows, or hope you can be let in when the Sunday School is turfed out. The justification is that “stuff might be stolen. We’ve had bags go missing.” And I know the actions of this local church are repeated elsewhere.

This is supposed to be the house of God. I know there’s a chance that things can be stolen, but you are not a Christian organisation if you only let in the converted, and only do that on a human timetable. God doesn’t work fixed hours, and I know of and have witnessed many occasions where people have turned to the church because they feel a need. If God lands in someone at 11:23, who are we to turn them away? We should be more open, and by leaving the doors wide, we should be visibly open. If you are worried about security, have an elder standing by, not as a patrol, but to welcome all visitors. Give them a hymn book, invite them for a brew and make sure they get a decent seat. What if you locked Jesus out of his Father’s house? Would he walk away, or kick the door down?

Because I’ve been locked out of a church once, and I can genuinely say that I was late because I was doing a bit of work for another congregation (and as a result, ultimately, working for God.) so I arrived as the first hymn started. Ultimately, it was an unpleasant little church, and I was glad to leave it, shaking the dust from my feet as I left.

But the next time God sends me to your church and I’m locked out, I will bang on the door until I am allowed to enter. For you do not know the day or the hour when the Master (or the Gerbil) will return.

The Assembly and the Whole Gay Thing.

2011-05-28T18:46:00.002+01:00

OK, let me get this clear. The way I understand it is this, (and if I'm wrong, please correct me.)

According to the General Assembly:

Being a minister is OK

Being gay is OK

Being a gay minister is OK

Being a gay minister with a partner, civil or otherwise is something we are going to have to think about for a couple of years.

But we are all human, so what happens if my single gay minister finds their soul mate? And is dating OK, but any more commitment than that out of the question?

Ah well, we've got two years to worry about the details!

Answering Nik's Question

2011-05-23T22:33:00.004+01:00

The other week, Mrs Gerbil and I had the pleasure of meeting up with Nik from A Pilgrim's Process. It was a rare gathering, as blogging is often a solitary pursuit, so nobody has ever felt the need to make up a collective noun for a group of bloggers. Suggested answers on a postcard to the usual address...

(Actually, does anyone do competitions nowadays where you send the answer on a postcard? I knew all along that I would never win a competition on Saturday Morning Superstore because the postcard depicting the radioactive beach at Dalgety Bay was pretty uninspiring)

So Nik noted that if I am to follow any one of my three options, sooner or later, someone is going to ask, "are you only doing this because of what Mrs Gerbil is doing?" Well, the answer is

Yes.

Perhaps I should elaborate....

Or I could save that for another post...

Might as well do it now.

First of all, I'm in a position where I don't really know what I'm doing. But I also think I've been given an opportunity to do something useful. What that useful thing is, I don't exactly know. Something keeps drawing me back to the idea of the auxiliary ministry but I don't know what a calling feels like. What I do know is that the past few years, starting around the time of the National Gathering at Ingliston, and possibly even before that, I've felt less of an observer at worship, to wanting to be more a part of spreading God's message.

So I'd like to say that I'm genuinely being nudged into something of my own calling. I think that Mrs Gerbil's process has given me a bit of a kick up the backside, letting me explore all sorts of avenues. And whatever I do, it will be using my time and talents in a way that helps God's people, but also fits in with my promise to support Mrs G along the way.

So that's about as much of an answer as I can give at present. Mrs Gerbil has given me the opportunity. It's now up to me to do something about it.

And thanks Nik for asking the question. It's been something useful to reflect on.

The Rapture is coming

2011-05-22T00:00:00.000+01:00

...but it's now the start of a new day. It's midnight. A new day, the 22nd May has just begun.

And most of us that started the day have ended it unscathed. No better or worse than when we entered it twenty-four hours before. The proclaimed 21st has came and went.

God works on timescales that are beyond our understanding. So don't try to tie his time down to an earthly, human timescale. Don't try to get smart with your diary. He will come when He is ready, not a second before.

Just do what you can to be ready. Let God sort out the travel arrangements and the timings.

For he is coming, that I'm sure.

With every blessing for the start of a new day.

A brief diversion...

2011-05-20T23:23:00.002+01:00

Well, it's the start of the General Assembly this weekend. Lots of big issues to discuss. But there's plenty of time for serious. To keep your mind off things, here's a cautionary tale of why men should read instructions, especially when there's strong laxatives involved...

Transcribed from the original forum post, Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Mr Blu-tone and the legendary Picolax thread

With thanks to http://www.singletrackworld.com/

Roll Away The Stone

2011-05-17T18:46:00.003+01:00

Roll Away the Stone will keep you amused this Sunday. It's a gathering in Princes Street Gardens, Edinburgh, organised by the Church of Scotland, and as well as some good worship, music and other entertainment, it has the added distinction of being free.

I'll be marshalling for part of the day, and having had the pleasure of meeting the organisers last night, I know the event is in good hands.

So if you see someone in a red shirt and a brown hat, ask them "are you spotthegerbil?" It will keep the other red shirted brown hatted people entertained all day!

Update. One of the organisers sent me an email at 22:39 Friday with my shift details for the weekend. Keep them in your prayers as they are putting in some long hours!

RIP Osama Bin Laden.

2011-05-02T09:11:00.002+01:00

RIP Osama. It was nice to have known you. At least you have died innocent of the charges against you. Like him or loathe him, if truth, justice and the American Way™ is still the mantra that the USA marches under, then Osama hasn’t faced trial by a jury of his peers, so he remains innocent before the law.

What would you have done if Osama Bin Laden had walked into your church? Like Saul appearing before the early followers of the way. Just after the second hymn, a figure appears at the door and takes a seat at the back of the church. Someone who to all accounts is completely opposed to your way of life. Do you panic? Call the police?

I’d put the kettle on. Offer him a cup of tea. And then I’d like to think I’d offer him as much assistance as I can give him. Once, a long time ago I was a trade union representative. There were a number of occasions where colleagues had done something really stupid and had been caught red handed. But the disciplinary process had to be followed, and even though I knew my colleague was as guilty as sin, I was obliged to represent them. My role was to defend their rights, not their wrongs. I was to ensure fair treatment, to ensure they were handled in accordance with the company rules and within the law of the land. While it’s a long way from fiddling your time sheet to allegedly ordering terrorist acts, however everyone has basic rights, enshrined in the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, and like it or loathe it, Osama was entitled to that representation. Sometimes, democracy sucks.

Because everyone is entitled to fair treatment before the law. The best thing I could have done for him would be to ensure he was represented fairly in front of an impartial jury of his peers. From the outset, it was clear that Osama would never face trial. A hit squad has marched all over Afghanistan and Pakistan, demanding blood. I’m sure the world will be safe tonight.

This morning, crowds gathered outside the White House. The mob, satisfied after baying for blood for so long. Hopefully those inside feel safe and secure, because give it a couple of years and the mob that’s outside will be baying for their blood. The American people have a very short term view when it comes to national policy. In the same way that the space programme was all but shut down after they beat the Russians to the moon, Americans will be asking why they are still in Afghanistan now Osama is dead.

Who is next on the hate list? Probably Iran. Iran has oil. The world won’t be safe until every oil well has a stars and stripes hanging above it.

Yeah. Right.

There’s something about the USA being self appointed global judge, jury and executioner that makes me crap myself.

RIP Osama Bin Laden. I hope you find peace.

P.S. This post will probably get me flagged up by the NSA or GCHQ as being some sort of sympathiser. Bring 'em on. I've been called worse things.

May Day - Up the workers!

2011-05-01T17:49:00.003+01:00

Today is the first of May, and the day devoted to St Joseph, patron saint of (among others) workers, craftsmen, immigrants and "people fighting communism". Well that's the way Wiki tells it.

It's also International Workers Day, and we tend to get the first Monday in May off although there's plans by the Conservative Government to move the holiday to October, with the aim of extending the tourist season. What's the matter Dave, too socialist for you?

So whenever you're celebrating International Workers Day, it's worth giving thanks for the people that have fought in the past to protect workers rights, and have fought to protect the health and wellbeing of employees. While you may think your job stinks (If you're lucky enough to have a job), there's sweatshops all over the world where a 48 hour working week, paid holidays and a safe working environment is something they can only dream about. Some of these sweatshops make the clothes on your back and the electronics in your pocket.

And don't forget that trade union leaders get killed just for asking for better pay and conditions. Rumour has it that some well known household brands have policies were human rights are optional. And I'm tempted to name names..

So when you have a bad day at work, it could be a whole lot worse.

Use of technology for worship (part 2) Share a Recording of the service.

2011-04-22T20:03:00.007+01:00

Most churches have some sort of public address system, typically a microphone in the pulpit and another in the lectern. If you don’t have an induction loop fitted, then I would suggest that this should be your first priority. It means the service will be more audible for those who rely on a hearing aid. So it's probably more inclusive if you do that first. Then we’ll discuss recording.

So now you've got your induction loop. Congratulations on being inclusive for those who can make it to the church. But what about those who can’t?

For years, The Gerbil Church was distributing recordings of the service. Some time back the church “acquired” a tape duplication system, so the tapes were duplicated after the service, and a network of friends passed them round to the housebound. Unfortunately the duplicator was getting past its best, and it’s getting harder and harder to get a tape player any more. So a decision was made to start recording on CD.

What you’ll need…

A PC with a CD/DVD RW drive and a Line In socket. Ours is an average laptop.

A line out from your existing amplifier with a lead to connect it to the PC

Music recording software - we use Audacity, a free recording package.

CD burning software. We use Nero, which came with the PC.

Blank CD’s

(Optional) a CD duplication tower.

The best way to set this up is to record a service, using the controls on your PC and existing amplifier. This will allow you to set your recording levels so the sound isn’t crackly. This can be a bit hit or miss, but once you’ve set this up, you won’t need to change anything.

When the service is finished you can use the PC to burn a disc. It takes about 5 minutes per disc, so if you are doing a few, you might wish to get a duplicator tower. You still need to burn the first disc on the PC, but the duplicator will then take the first disc and burn extra copies. A big duplicator can burn 10 at once. Ours does 3 discs at once, and while it was donated, I know it cost around £60 from Ebay.

Blank CD’s take about 5 minutes to burn, but they can only be used once. CD/RW discs can be used more than once, but each batch of three discs takes 15 minutes. They also cost a bit more than ordinary CD’s and there are some CD players that won’t play them.

What else?

Well unfortunately the CD is going the same way as vinyl but there is another option. Many people are now getting radios that have a USB socket, designed for playing MP3 files. It’s worth finding out if anyone in your congregation has a suitable radio/stereo and you can save the service onto a USB pen drive for sharing that way. Or you could give out an MP3 player with a set of headphones containing the service. In the long run it could work out cheaper and more sustainable than a pile of CD’s. This is something the Gerbil Church is looking into.

And don’t forget, if you have a church website, it’s easy to save your service so that it can be downloaded as a podcast (Godcast?) to an Ipod or similar device.

It all depends what the members want and what they are comfortable with. Don’t automatically think that the older generation is against technology and won’t try anything new. In my experience, it’s the 30-40 somethings that hate change. To the older folks there’ nothing new under the sun, and often they are prepared to give new stuff a try, as long as it’s explained to them.

Again, If this is something you want to try, leave a comment and I’d be happy to offer assistance. You can visit The Gerbil Church in Fife, or I’d welcome an excuse to take the bike for a run some Sunday and pay you a visit.

Use of technology for worship (part 1) Projectors.

2011-04-22T19:50:00.003+01:00

There’s probably not many places where technology hasn’t worked its way in, but the Church seems a bit reluctant to move on. The church should be using as many ways as practical to share God’s word, so in the same way as the printing press made it easier to replicate bibles, computers should make it easier to share bibles, sermons and ideas worldwide. The fact that you are reading this on a blog means that you are most of the way there. Now I’d like to share what I do on a Sunday…

My main role is of the church projectionist. At the Gerbil Church we have a projector and screen that is used to display hymns, intimations and appropriate pictures. This equipment was donated by the group that runs our Wednesday cafe. We have been doing this for about five years and it seems to be working well. The older members of the congregation appreciate the fact that they can sing out and don’t have to hold a heavy hymn book. CH4 is a real pain in the neck for a member with spinal arthritis.

It all depends on the minister and church. Will this add something to your congregation and aid you in spreading God’s message? As a minister, you don’t need to be the technology expert. It’s not your job. You just need a projectionist that has a rough idea what they are doing. So don’t let the technology put you off.

I'll come out up front with figures - you're going to need around £2000 for a PC, projector and the bits to make it work. If you're planning on spending that much, there are better experts than me to give you advice, so consider this an introductory lesson.

It works like this. At some point through the week, the minister will email me with an order of service. Using Microsoft Powerpoint I will prepare a presentation that has the Sunday hymns in running order. If the minister requires any pictures I will either use what she has supplied to me, or I will have a look around Google or in my own archives for something appropriate. On Sunday morning I will transfer my Powerpoint file to the church PC and then spend the next hour pressing the space bar every time there is a new verse, or watching and listening for my cues in the service. It’s not that hard to do. In fact, now we have a library of hymns, I can usually knock together a presentation in about ten minutes. It’s just a case of dragging and dropping the files.

So how do you set this up?

What you’ll need…

A screen – a smooth white or light coloured wall will be fine. Once the projector is on, the eye tricks you into thinking the wall is white. You can buy a portable screen if you need to move the setup around

A projector –this is the biggest expense. Somewhere in the region of £1000 to £1500, depending on the size of your venue, how big the screen it is, and how bright the church is.How long is a piece of string...

A PC. An older PC, either desktop or laptop will work, but if you want to buy new, £300 will get a laptop with enough power to do the job. It needs to have an RGB SVGA or VGA output, depending on which set of letters the PC company is using to describe the hole where you plig in the projector.

Presentation software. Either Microsoft Powerpoint which you pay for, or Open Office which is free and just as good.

People. A team of four means they will only be doing it once a month. The people is the hard bit, as you can’t get them from PC world. Try your Sunday School or Young Church. The older members may have been shown how to use Powerpoint in school and could be made to feel a real part of Sunday worship at the point where they fall into the gulf and get lost between the young and the old church.

It all depends on the layout of your church as to how this works out. One church in the borders has two projectors, displaying the service on a wall on either side of the pulpit. This gets around problems with restricted visibility. Gerbil Church has an odd layout, so we politely invite anyone who wants to see the screen to move over a bit. Older churches are a pain in the proverbials, as they have pillars everywhere. Bankfoot church has a perfect layout, but it’s brand new and has wide open spaces inside.

The Gerbil Church uses the projector for other things, such as Guild meetings, so we put the projector away after each use. Many churches just leave the kit set up or find a way to suspend projectors from the ceiling or pillars out of the way. Once you know where you want to put it, your projector can be set up in about five minutes.

If this is something you want to try, leave a comment and I’d be happy to offer assistance. You can visit The Gerbil Church in Fife, or I’d welcome an excuse to take the bike for a run some Sunday and pay you a visit.

Option 3 - Auxiliary Ministry.

2011-04-18T19:24:00.004+01:00

So this is the one that seems like a good idea. Auxiliary ministry.

For ages I had thought that the readership was ideal for me, and would fit in well with Mrs Gerbil and all that she is doing. I would be able to use my talents to help her and her charge. Recently however, there's something niggling away that says that the auxiliary ministry might be more useful. It was something I read, and I can't remember where, that said that there's plenty of people who are unable to get to a church building and recieve the sacraments. Be they in care homes, hospital or housebound, they are missing out on a part of worship that makes church special. And I know that people react differently when they speak to a minister, rather than a non ordained person. So if I must re-train for something, would being a minister be better for the community?

But here's the problem with all three options. I made a promise to support Mrs Gerbil. I'm happy to follow wherever she ends up. Even if it means going to Bermuda I'll tag along because it's all part of God's big adventure. I still don't want to do anything that will get in the way, so I've deliberately put all these options to the back burner. I've hardly given them any thought. And to make matters worse, I'm not too good at picking up on signs, so unless I get a sign on a Biblical scale, burning bushes or booming voices from on high, I'll probably be clueless forever!

But the thing is, over the past couple of months, this Auxiliary Ministry thing just keeps popping up. I haven't a clue what a "calling" resembles. Is it a gut feeling, or is it just gas?

What I do know is I have signed up for the Enquirers Conference at the end of June. Given there might or might not be changes to ministries discussed at the next General Assembly, I think this would be a good earthly starting point. As for booming voices from on high, I'm still waiting...

What I did at the weekend.

2011-04-18T19:15:00.002+01:00

I'd love to type something interesting, but it's been a traumatic day at work. I nearly wore a pint of tea thanks to an over-enthusiastic Smurf. Go read all about it with Mrs Gerbil. The weekend, not the Smurf thing.

Option 2, Readership.

2011-04-12T18:37:00.002+01:00

The readership is something I’ve thought about for a while now and seems quite attractive. According to the Readers Handbook, Readers exercise a ministry of word, but not sacrament. This can be pulpit supply, or where attached to a charge they have a role similar to an Auxiliary Minister.

Now I’ve been part of a worship group for quite a while now, and I’ve done parts of services at both of my home churches. While I could probably brush up on my speaking technique, I’m not afraid to address a big or small audience. So far, the Readership has seemed like the ideal role.

The Reader is not just meant as someone who fills in occasionally, but is meant as someone who is genuinely capable of preaching the word of God. This doesn’t have to be in a church, but can be in schools, hospitals or care homes for example.

And this is where I’ve got a bit of a doubt. There’s a whole load of people who can’t get to a church building for a variety of reasons. So would I be better in a role that is of word and sacrament? Would it make me more flexible to the community be able to perform the sacraments? A short communion service in the local care home, or in someone's house perhaps?So with this in mind, would one of the other ministries be more suitable?

Questions, questions. More to consider.

Complete and Utter Tat.

2011-04-02T23:44:00.009+01:00

For those of you easily offended, please step away now. Go visit Mrs Gerbil. She has some nice pictures, and there's probably tea and cakes.

Are you sitting comfortably? No? Good, then I'll continue..

There is some complete and utter shit being sold in the name of the Lord!

It's true. And you've all seen it. It looks like the marketing people have sat down and realised that they can sell plastic tat for a premium if they prefix it with the word Christian. £15 for a cover for my Ipod, bearing an appropriately themed message? I don't think so! Baseball caps with similar messages for £20? Get real! And while Footprints is a nice allegorical tale, there are countless ways of displaying this around your house, from plates and mugs, to wall hangings and the obligatory tea towel. Just like the sand I'm supposed to be walking on, it was nice enough to look at, but after fighting my way through a mass of it, it's everywhere and irritating.

And do you really think people are going to come over to the good side if they see me drinking my tea from a icthus clad mug?

And you have to ask yourself, where exactly is the money going? A few years ago, The Gerbil Church got together with a leprosy centre and we sold some of their products. We knew that all the money was going straight back to a Christian community, for the benefit of the residents. I have often got the feeling from looking at stock in shops and online that it's mass produced in a far eastern sweatshop, by an overworked and underpaid staff. WWJD? He probably wouldn't wear overpriced clothing asking WWID? And he'd probably overturn a few tables in the process.

The second most creepy piece of church tat I have seen was brought back from Rome by my uncle and given to my Gran. It was one of those 3d pictures where it looked like the eyes of the subject were following you around the room. When the subject in question is a long haired white guy that is supposed to be a crucified Jesus (my church art rant follows soon) then it's really creepy. Especially when it's hung between the living room and the loo and it's watching you climb the stairs. Oh, and you're about 10 at the time. Apparently there were loads of these on sale, and you could pick your own Jesus. Apparently there were Jesus in every race and colour. Equality in tat is to be admired.

But the creepiest bit of church tat goes to this candidate...

Someone handed this into the church, and it's been sitting behind the curtains in the office ever since. It's as if nobody can bear to throw Jesus out, even if he is badly cast in plastic. I tend to prefer my crosses empty, reflecting the risen Christ, but I suppose lent is as good a time as any to remember his suffering.

I just look at this and think "why did someone ever buy this crud?" I could go on and on about the poor casting, the lousy workmanship, and the fact that two of the nails have fallen out, leaving Jesus being crucified by Blu-Tack... Oh, I give up. Would the last person with any taste and decency left please switch out the lights...

OK, OK, please switch them back on again! Yes, darkness reveals that it is a luminous Jesus. I'm having nightmares already!

Please, don't buy crud. It's a poor use of finite resources. And I really won't thank you.